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One definition of conservatism is "Commitment to traditional values and ideas with opposition to change or innovation."
Lots of straight friends assumed the gay community would be uniformly welcoming of my throuple. We knew otherwise—poly friends had been rebuked by gay men before. As news of our family reached gay fatherhood Facebook groups, comments echoed conservative and religious arguments against gay marriage and other rights:
“Where does it end?? We have grown men who are pedophiles saying that having a relationship with a child is ok and it’s their lifestyle and people should accept that about them. … Now they want recognition and want to be able to marry a child! We should just allow that too?? … Ummmm NO!”
“Now we gotta deal with the crazies on the right AGAIN who said if they allow same sex marriage then eventually your going to have people wanting to marry multiple partners, people wanting to marry animals, and etc. … do we really need to give the people against us a new reason to hate us, bully us, and chastise us??”
There’s absolutely no relationship between polyamory (or LGBT rights) and marrying kids or animals. Other commenters quickly explained that. Most comments then dealt with the concern that we could negatively affect LGBT rights by advocating for ourselves—that other people would make these comparisons, setting back a common cause:
“No. No. No. We are finally making headway and then we start this s**t. Please let’s stop this. This is EXACTLY the stuff that those against same-sex marriage used to scare people into not supporting it.”
“I say live and let live when it comes to threesomes or whatever, as long as you’re not hurting anyone. But 3 gay men listed as parents on the birth certificate? This could set us back. And I’m a gay dad!”
“We fought so hard and for so long just to try and get some equality, with same sex marriage, getting rid of sodomy laws, fighting for the right to foster and adopt as gays, fighting to be including in the equality act that was just passed!! Now this comes out as a big smack in the face!! And it’s like, s**t!!
“… maybe it’s too soon!”
“This is just something else the high and mighty religious right will use against us. They will call this throuple pedophiles, say it’s disgusting and that we are drastically changing how marriage is defined now as it is between two consenting adults regardless of sex. Just opens the door for the right to attack the LGBTQ community even more than they already do! Sorry as a gay man in a committed, married relationship I HAVE to disagree with it!”
Several of these disapproving writers had simple misunderstandings. Some confused polyamory (loving more than one person) with polygamy (multiple marriage), and thought we wanted “special rights.” Again, other comments quickly explained that poly people can have any sexual orientation, that bunches of straight people have three parent birth certificates and a California law established the process, and that there was nothing unequal about this process. My throuple has never sought plural marriage—we oppose it, worried that it would harm young women who live in extreme religious sects that pressure community members into abusive polygamous (NOT polyamorous) relationships.
We also saw tons of support from several valued friends and tons of total strangers who said kind things about our family and the cause:
“You are using the exact same arguments used by people opposing gay marriage back in the day ‘Where does it stop!?’”
“All the negative reactions are knee jerk and feel eerily similar to comments I’ve heard from older generations talking about children of interracial and gay couples: ‘Let them be together, but it’s not fair to the children.’”
I understand exactly where the gay conservative is coming from—they’ve enjoyed some hard-earned progress and they don’t want anything to derail that progress. Before gay marriage won at the Supreme Court, many gays worried the case was being heard too soon, and a defeat might set the movement back. Turns out they’re lucky it was heard when it was, because the Court has swung hard right since then. This is a long-standing tension, and it’s worth pointing out that much of the resistance comes from people who do not face the struggles themselves. The straight-acting gay critiques the flamboyant queer, a comfortable couple tells others not to seek marriage equality, and in this case the married or monogamous gay wants the poly community to keep its collective head down and remain in the closet. Empathic comments helped show another path:
“If you feel uncomfortable with this kind of news then it’s a great lesson for you into understanding how someone who doesn’t support gay marriage might feel and then have to overcome.”
“If we can’t overcome our social constructs and prejudices to accept this different kind of family how can we ask others to accept ours? We don’t have to understand it or participate in it to be an ally.”
But the one comment that really stayed with me pointed out how those who have suffered discrimination, who are in a great place to support others due to their understanding and experience, instead become supporters of the new status quo:
“I see so many people suffer from gatekeepers, only to become gatekeepers themselves once they make it in.”
That’s the trap of moderating other people’s relationships. Consenting adults who don’t want to be told what to do with their relationship should see that the solution is not to play into a system by having your disfavored group reclassified as favored/normal, but to “break the wheel” and advocate for acceptance and rights for all consenting adults.
Stayed tuned for part 2—spoiler alert, all’s well that ends well!
