The Dirty 8 Personality Traits of High-Conflict Co-Parents

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Narcissism tops the list of acrimonious co-parenting personalities. What does this look like behaviorally? In a nutshell, a person who acts:

• Chaotic
• Contrary
• Conniving
• Combative
• Controlling
• Contentious
• Contemptuous
• Court-obsessed

If you’re new to the high-conflict divorce circus, read my Forget Co-Parenting With a Narcissist series for detailed information. To quote Drake, “Started from the bottom, now we’re here.” The good news is from here on, you can act in ways that ameliorate stress for you and your children.

Wherever you fall on the spectrum, the high-conflict game is always chaotic, protracted, and full of surprises, predictable, though they may be.

Because the aforementioned “dirty eight” speak for themselves, the focus of this post is on solutions.

Caveat: The behavioral changes often come first, followed by the psychological changes. For this reason, I follow a framework when working with targeted co-parents. You can Google “how to co-parent with a narcissist,” “narcissistic recovery,” or “how to deal with parental alienation” until the combative cows come home, but more information is not what you need. The right information from the right source will get you on the other side of co-parenting contention quicker.

Alas, before diving into problem-solving, here are two prominent beliefs from well-intentioned co-parents that warrant attention.

“My ex can still be a wonderful parent, even though he treats me horribly, right?”

Wrong.

This belief is so heartbreakingly breaking bad, it breaks my clinical heart. Talk about trauma bonding.

No matter the reasons for divorce, an emotionally evolved, reasonable, and compassionate person cannot treat children well while simultaneously throwing you under the bus.

The term is "parental alienation," and the perpetrator has no compunction about acting contemptuously.

Internalize this concept as a must-have in the contentious co-parenting toolkit. Sure people can split and appear "as if" they're a consistently loving, responsible parent, however, the facade always cracks.

The hallmark of a narcissist or other personality disorder is seeing things in black-and-white. And you, my friend, will always be the "evil" one.

Speaking of Cruella DeVille, this dynamic exasperates due to the sheer outlandishness of the smear campaign. To disprove the lies, you may unwittingly 40-yard dash it to the defensive line. However, don’t allow him to bait you into reacting in the manner you’re accused of. Combative attorneys love this one, by the way. And for the record, don’t be surprised when he shows up to court with a council who possesses many of the same personality traits. Like twinning, but not cute.

The second head-scratcher:

“Doesn’t she realize she’s hurting the kids when she badmouths me?”

No.

Controlling, court-obsessed exes stop at nothing to stab you in the proverbial back. Call it a narcissistic injury or sociopathic rage, but toxic people act out because they feel justified.

Speaking of bullies, ever ask a temperamentally difficult 8-year-old why he pushed Johnny off the apparatus at recess? He will come up with a litany of reasons why this made sense. Impulsive and emotionally reactive people don’t see themselves as needing to change.

File this one under “the signs were there when you dated her.” Take responsibility for choosing to have kids together, and pay close attention to number 4 below.

Onward.

How to Counter Your Toxic Co-Parent’s Behaviors

1. Accept that your ex will not change (those rare instances when she appears cordial and conciliatory are fleeting).
2. Disengage from the dynamic. You regain your power when you refuse to argue, reason, or convince him of a rational way to address problems. Read this post on healthy boundary setting.
3. Make your self-care practice a priority. You cannot have a methodical game plan with a hijacked central nervous system. Focus on calming, soothing acts every day. Meditation, hydration, sleep, running, stretching, yoga, books, smiles, laughter, hugs, or whatever brings you peace of mind.
4. Go to therapy with a qualified clinician. Read up on "parental alienation" and screen prospective counselors accordingly. A marriage and family therapist may have a foundational understanding of the divorce process, but may not be uniquely trained in high-conflict relationships. Sadly, many clients come to me after receiving bad advice from an inexperienced psychotherapist.
5. Get out of court as soon as possible. Weary targeted co-parents often prolong the process by reacting impulsively or over-emotionally. I get that the toxicity of family court and dealing with the system is brutal, but the “I’ll show him/her” mindset only serves to put your lawyer’s kids through law school. Every time a client tells me how much she has spent on legal fees, I close my eyes and vow to keep my eyebrows off the ceiling. A better utilization of your time and resources is to pause before hitting send, reply, or picking up the phone to contact your attorney. File this one under tall order, but you must differentiate between abuse and bad parenting. As a general rule, if he's accusing you of something that would not realistically warrant a report with law enforcement or CPS, let it go. Read this post for more information.
6. Know that doing differently is king, queen, and everything in between. Not to say you’re not trying your best to retain sanity or make solid decisions for your child, but change comes when you act counterintuitively.

To whoever needs to hear this today, move on. You and your central nervous system deserve better. With due diligence and professional help, you can lose the drama, drop your toxic ex, and keep your kids safe.

To join my "Co-Parenting Without Chaos" course, check out my bio page.

Copyright 2021 Linda Esposito, LCSW. All Rights Reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means without permission in writing from the author.