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So many parents wonder what to do with their kid who is drinking too much or using drugs. For parents, this feels completely different than the struggle of governments, the public health, public safety and criminal justice systems. It’s much more personal and important. But in reality, these are all examples of continual battles between sticks and carrots…
This came front and center for me last week, as I was standing in front of the Orange County Drug Addiction Advisory Board. I was wrapping up a presentation on non-traditional drug treatment approaches and one of the board members asked a very relevant question: “As the criminal-justice system uses incarceration for drug offenses less and less frequently, what other stick are we supposed to use?”
Without realizing it, I immediately launched into a monologue I’ve had with numerous parents. Again, I see the two problems as incredibly closely related. So here is a summary of my points:
We don’t need any more parenting sticks
The people I see at IGNTD, from the young adult college students and dropouts to the executives, already have enough sticks in their lives—parental or spousal ultimatums, loss of work and confidence, money issues and more. Everyone around them is very comfortable using sticks in all forms, from threats to the withholding of support (financial and otherwise) to a complete disconnection.
The problem is that, even when these sticks work, they have to be maintained or they lose their power. This creates a continuously uncomfortable situation with parents and wives/husbands as police. It’s no way to have a real relationship and is almost a guarantee that people show up to our offices feeling as if their family is about to fall apart. Mothers seem to be the ones most uncomfortable with this, which is not surprising given the relatively inept emotional training men get in our society. But even the mothers I see feel like they are out of options.
What we need to do is to begin relying on carrots, more than sticks, and to create shifts in our understanding of the problem instead of seeking more opportunities for punishment. Carrots can either be actual rewards or the removal of negative experiences, which still leave the person feeling better. This is known as negative reinforcement in learning literature and can be very effective—think of giving someone more freedom after a long period of isolation and/or sober-living life. The way I do this with our clients is by starting with a simple question of everyone involved in the process: What do you want to do to make your life better?
It’s amazing how this simple question changes my relationship with the whole system, from a confrontational one to a collaborative one. From this point forward, we are all working on reaching a result that will make everyone as happy as possible. This means clients and their loved ones all get a voice in creating the roadmap for success. I haven’t met a client yet that didn’t have such an endpoint in mind. Resistance goes down to near 0% level. Essentially everyone that walks into our offices wants to make something in their life better. We just let them know that we’re here to help.
Treatment results may vary
The important thing that ends up happening after the initial discussion is that everyone involved needs to be open-minded and willing to accept outcomes that might differ from what they originally had in mind. This is crucially important and is sometimes more difficult to create in the parents than in the clients.
At the Orange County board meeting I had to explain that, if you want people to stop committing crimes, you have to find the leverage they care about—housing, reductions in drug-use-related problems, food shortages and the likes. If you work towards their goals they’ll keep showing up and engaging. If you simply threaten them, they’ll disappear or do their best to never be found.
Every parent I know can relate to this dilemma.
As parents, we want our kids to be functional and happy. But sometimes we get confused about what exactly that means. Some parents have a very specific plan for their child and have a difficult time seeing how, simply being open minded to changes in that plan, can create a huge open space for conversation. From parents learning about and understanding their kid’s mental health struggles, to others who have accepted a different career path for their daughter, I’ve seen this happen and work dozens of times. When the conversation shifts from “here is what you HAVE to do,” to “how can we make everyone’s life better?” incredible changes occur.
In the process, parents lose the need to serve as a police force and get to actually care about their child’s welfare. Kids begin to trust that they can rely on their parents for support while also relying on professionals and peers to help them make progress. They develop self-efficacy and a belief in their ability to function independently, something that’s been missing from the picture for a while. The whole picture shifts.
The end goal is what matters
What we all have to understand, from government boards to mothers and fathers, is that we don’t actually control other people’s behavior. We can influence it greatly, but people choose their action and it is by a careful understanding of how they choose that we can have greater influence. When people are cornered and forced into a specific choice, they might go along with the plan but they will resent it and devalue it. You know this from your own life, but we tend to lose it when it comes to our own kids. By giving people a choice, and a voice, in the process you will assure that they care about the process more and will stay engaged longer. That longer engagement and “buy-in” has been shown to create better outcomes. It’s that simple, even if it’s very difficult to carry out.
So, what every parent needs to do is let go of the impulse to rely on sticks as the only source of power and embrace their ability to use more subtle tools to get the results they want. It’s something we’ve been doing here at IGNTD with great success. And you can do it too.
That’s how we change what’s happening with drug and alcohol problems in this country and at your house.
Copyright 2018 Adi Jaffe
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