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Relationships
How Do You Make Long-Distance Relationships Work?
15 actions are essential to making a go of distance relationships.
Posted September 9, 2024 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Key points
- Long-distance relationships can and often do go the distance. But you have to work to make it work.
- Setting clear expectations and communicating regularly in an open, clear, and reasuring manner are essential.
- It's also important to grow your emotional connection, not be self-centered, and be available when needed.
- Distance relationshsips have their positives—like substantially deepening and strengthening the bond.
Yes, long-distance relationships can be very inconvenient and you probably wouldn't say, "I always want my significant others to be as far away as possible." But, here's a shocker: Life doesn't always make things convenient for you. Sometimes the person you want to be with is in East Holy Cow That's Far Away or West Your Morning is My Nighttime.
That doesn't mean you should give up and not try to make it work. Long-distance relationships can and often do go the distance, leading to successful marriage and other long-term partnerships. Distance can end up deepening and strengthening a bond. But you and your partner do need to do the work to make it all work. Here are 15 things that you can do:
1. Establish clear and realistic expectations.
You never want one partner to say, "But I thought this was an open relationship" or "I am calling you my one and only petit chou [which means "little cabbage" in French] while you are telling others that I am just a friend." Both of you have to be on the same page about what is expected of each other. Make sure that expectations are realistic and fulfilled.
2. Communicate regularly and often.
Mutually set a regular cadence to connect, and stick to the schedule. Otherwise, imaginations can run, wild with "Where were you?" questions quickly morphing into "Were you with someone else?" Also, find excuses to communicate, like sending good morning texts or photos of hedgehogs.
3. Err on the side of overcommunication and over-explanation.
Remember, it's harder to sense what's going on with each other beneath the surface when you aren't physically in the same room. Therefore, channel your best Morgan Freeman and clearly narrate and explain everything that may be unclear.
4. Share what you are doing when you are not talking to each other.
Keep each other apprised about what's happening in your lives beyond when you are together. For example, tell your partner if you are indeed The Batman and fought The Joker the other night. Introduce your partner to friends, family members, and, of course, Robin.
5. Find ways to do things with each other.
Relationships should never be mostly talk and little action. So, try doing things together such as cooking, eating, playing games, going hiking, running errands, sleeping, and, well, use your imagination. Treat your smartphone as your partner, taking it to different activities.
6. Make full use of your video.
Show all of yourself. That may mean different things to different people. But at the very least, don't simply stick to particular angles, lighting, or wardrobes. If you were in person, you wouldn't be walking around with a ring lamp all the time or insisting that your partner stay on your left side. Also, leverage all the features on your video platform, such putting cartoon goatees and red berets on each other.
7. Do things to build trust and genuinely connect emotionally.
Small talk can leave a relationship feeling, well, very small. Instead, go deep. Open up and let your guard down. Don't be afraid to share your worries and vulnerabilities. Trying to act all tough all the time can make it tough to truly connect emotionally.
8. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Don't create drama or leave arguments unresolved.
"Suspicious Minds" should not be your theme song. Assume that the other person means well until proven otherwise. After a disagreement, don't go more than a day without discussing it fully and trying to resolve it.
9. Talk about the relationship.
Don't wait until one side says, "We need to talk." Set regular times to do relationship check-ins to see how both of you are doing.
10. Meet, meet, meet,
If you've never met in person, do so as soon as possible. Don't spend months dating a video image and then thinking "This is not what I signed up for" when you finally meet in person, Even if you've already met, find ways to physically be with each other as often as possible. Any reluctance to do so could be a giant red flag.
11. Celebrate events and milestones.
Remember key days such as birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, and, of course, National Fruitcake Toss Day and celebrate them with presents, cakes, etc. Try to do so in person whenever possible.
12. Don't be self-centered. Be giving.
Making it all about you can soon make it just you by your lonesome. Don't expect your partner's world to revolve completely around you. Know and do what will make your partner happy.
13. Be there for the other person in times of need.
If the other person is going through a crisis, be prepared to jump on a plane, train, automobile, skateboard, or whatever to be with that person. If such travel is highly impractical, make yourself fully available and mobilize friends who are there.
14. Have a plan to be together.
Long-distance works better when there's a positive end in sight. Therefore, when you can, make a plan. And don't make it vague like "be in the same city when you have enough money or the TV series Family Guy ends, whichever comes first."
15. Focus on the positives of long-distance.
Long-distance does have its benefits. For example, you can learn about the other person's city, state, or country. It can also force you to really see how compatible you are without all that sex stuff getting in the way.
Most important, distance can significantly strengthen your relationship by helping you better communicate and get to know each other in different ways. It can be a good pressure test that ends up either solidifying or blowing apart your bond. So try to take the long view when it comes to long-distance relationships.
