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Key points
- Ask yourself whether you've tried unsuccessfully to keep the costs of dating from getting too high.
- Follow your dating trajectory and determine whether you are getting any closer to finding someone.
- Assess where you're stuck and whether you've exhausted other realistic adjustments to your dating approaches.
- Maybe a temporary break from dating is needed, or perhaps you can "quit" dating to different degrees.
Is it time to break up with dating? Are you fed up with the silly dating profiles, corny pick-up lines, games, and rejections? Are you ready to quit dating because all your efforts to find the right partner have still left you alone?
Well, you wouldn't be alone. An October 2019 Pew Research Center survey found that around 67% of respondents indicated that things in their dating lives are going either "not too well" or "not at all well." And a Pew Research Center survey of 6,034 U.S. adults conducted in July 2022 revealed that 57% of the singles were not even looking to date.
Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing but expecting different results? So at what point do you stop unsuccessful dating? Ask yourself the following three questions:
Question 1: Have you tried unsuccessfully to keep the costs of dating from getting too high?
The costs of dating can be incentives to quit, with the biggest and most non-refundable cost being your time. Every hour spent on unsuccessful dating is one less hour to spend on some other professional or personal endeavor. This can become more and more apparent the older you get.
The businesses that offer dating apps, speed dating, and professional matchmaking claim that their services can help you save time. But since businesses don't do things just for gratitude, such services can cost money and, when unsuccessful, even more time.
Another potential big cost is damage to your self-confidence and well-being. After all, that Feeling Good song doesn't go like, "It's a new dawn, It's a new date, It's a new rejection, For me. And I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good."
One way to reduce such costs is to lean on your support network for encouragement, insights, and even new avenues for dating. For example, they can serve as wing people so that you are not always just winging it alone and help you more objectively see how your dating trajectory has been going.
Question 2: Are you not getting closer to finding someone?
Keeping track of your dating trajectory is important. If, for example, your self-confidence and prospects have been improving, why quit now? That would be like mixing all the ingredients needed for a fruit cake but never putting them in the oven.
If on the other hand, your dating trajectory has been flat or even worse, getting worse, then it's likely time for changes, potentially big changes. After all, no decent GPS should tell you, "You are getting further and further from your destination. So, keep driving in the same direction."
Question 3: Have you exhausted other realistic adjustments to your dating approaches?
Yes, dating can be exhausting. But make sure you've exhausted reasonable adjustments to your dating approaches. Honestly assess your dating practices and determine where in the dating cycle things keep getting stuck, which can range from the can't-even-get-dates phase to the keep-getting-married-in-Vegas-and-then-having-to-get-an-annulment phase. If you can pinpoint where things are going awry, perhaps a simple fix exists.
Maybe a temporary break from dating is needed
If the answer to each of the above is a resounding "yes," then "yes," maybe it's time to stop dating. Before you go DEFCON (Dating Ending Forever Condition) 1, though, ask yourself whether a temporary break instead is in order.
A break can allow you to gather and reset yourself and bring new perspectives. It can also give you time to improve yourself and your life, which could eventually help your dating situation. A break could either have a pre-established end-point, such as a year from now or until the current season of the TV series Family Guy ends ,or stay open-ended with a let's-see-how-it-goes approach.
You can quit dating to different degrees
Even if you do end up quitting dating forever, there are different levels of quitting. The most drastic option is to completely abandon attempts to meet anyone new, retreat to your person-cave, and start posting comments on social media about how all women or all men suck. It will be highly unlikely, though, for the eventual love of your life to one day wander into your person-cave and say, "Excuse me. I got lost looking for the supermarket. Hey, by the way, you are cute."
Alternatively, you can quit dating to save its associated costs while still ramping up your chances of meeting new people. This could mean shifting the time previously spent dating to either go deeper into your current non-dating activities or branch out into new work, hobbies, and social circles. All of this could bring you into contact with new and different people. Moreover, the added skills, experience, and friendship bonds could make you all the more attractive.
Plus, you never know what positive effects on you a shift in mindset may have. Not being laser-focused on dating could help you better appreciate other types of human interactions. When your primary goal of interaction is no longer getting a date or a partner, more interactions will qualify as successful—for example, when you learn something new or gain a new friend. This can leave you more relaxed, more self-confident, and more yourself, which, in turn, could better facilitate stronger connections and even more opportunities. Who knows? By quitting dating you may actually enhance your dating prospects.
Ultimately, do what best matches you and your situation. If you've always needed to focus on something to achieve it, then perhaps keep actively pursuing dates in some way. If on the other hand, you do better in more relaxed let-life-happen settings, don't underestimate the value and role of serendipity.
Sometimes the greatest things in life come to you when you least expect them. Remember giving up dating doesn't necessarily mean giving up hope.
