Beyond a Fair Share

My husband hired a contractor to help with a project. I am in the same business as the contractor but didn’t get involved as I work full-time. The contractor is now out of business, and the project is incomplete. I am the obvious person to help, and I want to, but I’d like to see my husband put in more effort first. I’m busy with paying clients, which he resents. I resent that he has far more time than I do but is unwilling or unable to advance on his own behalf. This is creating tension between us. I have encouraged him to recognize that he has the time and ability to proceed on his own; he just needs more structure around the tasks. Should I rearrange my schedule (and deprioritize exercise and sleep) to help him cross a time-consuming finish line?

Life has a way of happening. Making sacrifices, even big ones, is part of a healthy marriage in which partners feel free to give each other what they need in a moment of difficulty or even through an extended crisis. Good will evens the expectation that should a special need arise, your partner would similarly do more than his fair share on your behalf.

In fact, the helping partner may not even see their act as a sacrifice because they know they will (eventually) share in the rewards of goal achievement, whether tangible or intangible, and there is something to be gained from the process of pulling together on an important goal. Temporarily giving up what you need so that a partner can prioritize what they need can itself amplify a sense of connection.

But this works only if there is the perception that you’re both contributing more or less equally toward the goal. Otherwise, you invite resentment.

You’re so obviously the right person to step in to help your husband. You’ve got the skills and the desire, to say nothing of the easy commute. But before you double up on work, you need signs that your husband is doubling down. You’re making the sacrifice of time, perhaps taking on twice your usual workload, so you rightly need to feel that you both have the same hunger for the project and—most important—use your time with the same intensity.

Absent equality of effort, everything falls apart. Resentment builds, eroding the emotional connectivity that made the joint effort possible in the first place. Resentment furnishes a negative filter that will soon color every other activity and suck the joy from everything beyond the project as well.

You certainly don’t need more to do, but it might be worth your while to become an undercover psychologist for a moment to understand why your husband is having trouble advancing on his project. You excel at the kind of work he must now do. That could be daunting to him—or anyone. Is there a fear of not measuring up or of being judged? Or perhaps the structure he needs could be addressed with a few tips you’ve accumulated for overcoming the hurdles he now faces. Such a cozy transfer of expertise is one of the unsung benefits of marriage.