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Dear Dr. G.,
I am a really frustrated 19-year-old college student. Let me explain. Every time I like a woman she tells me that she only wants to be my friend. Most recently, I've been spending time with someone I met September of my freshman year. We spend so much time together and are best friends. When I suggested that we date she said that she just wants to be friends. I don't understand this. It has happened to me at least 2 times before. I also want to mention that I have a type. I like slim and bubbly blondes. I'm not sure why but this is the type that I have always been attracted to. Is there something that I am doing wrong? I don't want to spend my life being put in the friend zone with the women that I'm attracted to. Please advise.
A Frustrated Friend
Dear Friend,
Let me start with the good news: Even though it has been frustrating, you have the ability to make good friends. That is excellent. You are able to bond with women and they want to be your friend. Wonderful! Now, let's get to the problem that you describe. The women that you are attracted to want to be your friend but they are not interested in a more intimate relationship with you. Of course, you are wondering why. There are many possible factors at play. While there are many potential reasons, I will suggest some possibilities. First, however, I would like to ask if you are reading the cues accurately. Perhaps, these women have given you the message that they are not interested in you as a boyfriend early on in the relationship but you have missed these signals. Do these women refer to you as a brother type? If so, then this may be a message that they are not interested in having you as a boyfriend.
Perhaps, these women are not physically attracted to you. Just like you have a type, they may have a type as well and you may not be their type. Are you taking care of your grooming and hygiene? This must be mentioned. It would be a shame if you are putting off these women with poor self-care. Are you too needy or clingy? If so, then work on this because many of the individuals that I speak with describe this as a major turn off. You may also want to ask a trusted friend who you are not interested in why women keep putting you in the friend zone. A friend may have some interesting insights.
Consider the above possibilities that may explain why you get put in the friend zone. I would also like you to consider a few other ideas. You described having a type: slim, blonde, and bubbly. Please consider expanding your type. You may be missing out on wonderful opportunities by insisting on this type. Also, think about someone that you may have put in the friend zone and ask yourself why you did it. You may learn a lot about relationships when thinking about this. Keep in mind that you are only 19 and you have many years ahead to get to know all sorts of different women. Not everyone will like you as a potential boyfriend. Similarly, you will not like everyone as a potential partner.
If you are able to make best friends, you are halfway to a good romantic relationship. Ideally, a good relationship includes being both good friends and romantic partners. I wish you well as you continue on this journey. It is complicated. Along your journey, never underestimate the importance of having a set of good friends. They will serve you well throughout your days and years.
Dr. G.
