Verified by 
Harry* could not wait to talk about the news that Mark Zuckerberg, co-founder and CEO of Facebook, had pledged to give away 99% of his net worth over the course of his lifetime. “You know,” he said, “it’s such a good thing to do. I started talking to my wife about giving away more of our money, and she said I was crazy. We make a lot of charitable contributions every year; but to give away such a large percentage would mean we couldn’t stay in our apartment, send our kids to a good college, or eat out or go to the movies when we want. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing, though. Do we really need all of these things to be happy?”
We all know that money is necessary to feed, clothe and shelter ourselves and our loved ones. Money can get someone out of poverty. And it can be used to purchase items and services that make us feel good or that we think will make us feel good.
But most of us know from personal experience what researchers have discovered: money does not necessarily lead to happiness. So why do we think that we will be happier with more of it?
Psychoanalysts have long known that money has all kinds of psychological and emotional meanings, some of which we know about, and others of which are buried deep in our psyches. Often the unknown meanings drive our need for riches – as, for example, when we equate money with power or personal value.
In a fascinating recent article in the journal Contemporary Psychoanalysis, Penelope Starr-Karlin writes that money can have different meanings for different people – and that it can create difficulties when these differences are not recognized and understood.
Yet it’s not always so easy to do either, in part because in many cultures around the world, it isn’t considered polite to talk about money in public. David Krueger writes, “most of us have learned to talk more easily about sex, yet remain seclusive, embarrassed, or conflicted about discussing money. Money may be the last emotional taboo in our society” (p. vii). (This of course isn’t true in all cultures, as I discuss in my post What do Your Money Daydreams Say About You?)
Freud linked money to self-control and independence. More recently, psychoanalysts recognize cultural, social, class, and gender meanings, as well as the practicalities of down to earth, concrete financial issues. Money has come to represent things like comfort, safety, respect, worthiness, value, power, and even sexiness, love and happiness.
In fact, we could say that since money means different things to each of us it therefore can tell us something important and not always obvious about ourselves.
What does money really mean to you?
The answer to this question is not about numbers or amounts, but about what your relationship is to your own finances. As Krueger and Starr-Karlin tell us, it’s about the stories you tell yourself about money – yours, and other people’s.
Starr-Karlin tells the story of her work with a client in which money had different meanings for each of them. On the surface, it appeared that they were both thinking about money in the same way, but when they began to dig a little deeper, they found that their thoughts were based in very different approaches to money. For instance, for both of them money represented self-value; but for her client, it was often in the form of what people would do or how they would treat him, while for Starr-Karlin it was an unreliable source of security, one that she had learned through hard experience could be taken away in the blink of an eye.
When I asked Harry to tell me more about what it would mean to him to be able to give away more money, he said, “I would feel like a good man. Generous. And I would feel great about having enough money to be able to give so much away!”
Then I asked how he understood his wife’s concerns about giving more of their money away to charities. “Well, she’s not really very materialistic. She loves our house, but that’s not the issue. She really wants to make sure our kids are going to be okay, that they can go to the colleges that will be best for them, and that they won’t suffer from not having enough the way that she sometimes did when she was growing up.”
As we discussed it further, it became clear that for Harry the money represented power, strength and masculinity. For his wife, it represented home, security and an ability to care for her loved ones. Digging a little deeper, Harry realized that he felt competitive with Mark Zuckerberg. “That’s crazy. I’m not in his league,” he said. “But I guess he stands for super success – that means, being a very successful husband, breadwinner, and father. If that’s what I need, I’m never going to be satisfied. Because I’m never going to achieve at his level.”
Harry thought about what he had just said, and then went on. “I really do admire what Zuckerberg and other guys like him – Bill Gates, Warren Buffett – have done. But the truth is that his 1% of his net worth is more than I’ll make in my whole life. So, I guess I’m not such a tightwad after all. And I guess I can say that I’m actually a pretty good guy, even without his kind of money.”
As always, I would be very interested to know about your own experiences with what money means!!
*names and identifying information changed to protect privacy
copyright @fdbarth2015
References:
Money as a Tool for Negotiating Separateness and Connectedness in the Therapeutic Relationship. F. Diane Barth, in the Clinical Social Work Journal Vol. 29, No. 1, Spring 2001
The Secret Language of Money: How to Make Smarter Financial Decisions and Live a Richer Life Hardcover by David Krueger and John David Mann. McGraw Hill Publishers. 2009.
Money and Psychotherapy: A Guide for Mental Health Professionals by Richard Trachtman. NASW Press. 2011.
Postcards from the Couch: A Patient’s Dreams as Communication in the Intersubjective Field During an Impasse by Penelope S. Starr-Karlin, Psy.D., MFT Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 35:281–297, 2015
