When an “Attitude of Gratitude” Is Not Enough

It’s widely accepted in the field of positive psychology—the science of happiness—that maintaining an “attitude of gratitude” is a key component to a happy life. This makes sense, after all, since we all live in highly interconnected social networks. This means we’re all dependent on the good will and kind acts of others, and expressing gratitude when we receive a kindness simply acknowledges this fact.

Research shows that expressions of gratitude benefit both the giver and the receiver. For instance, in one study involving an instance of gift giving, both parties reported increased happiness if the receiver expressed genuine gratitude. This happiness boost was found immediately afterward but also at a one-month follow-up when the giver and receiver were asked to recall the event. In other words, expressions of gratitude benefit both the giver and the receiver.

Even in our daily lives when we receive kindnesses from strangers, it’s important to show our appreciation. Why not smile and acknowledge the person who holds a door open for you? After all, they gave a moment of their time to make your life easier. And why not thank the cashier at the supermarket? Even though they’re “just doing their job,” you wouldn’t have your groceries without them. By expressing our gratitude, we boost our own mood, but we also increase the happiness of those we thank, and as a result we do our little bit to make the world a better place.

Among all the relationships we engage in, none is more interdependent than marriage. More than anyone else, we rely on our spouse to meet our needs on an ongoing basis. Since we receive so many benefits from our partner—oftentimes without our even being aware of it—maintaining an attitude of gratitude is likely to be very important for maintaining happiness in the relationship. In fact, plenty of observational evidence suggests that couples who frequently express their gratitude to each other are happier than those who don’t.

In contrast, what happens when one spouse habitually expresses gratitude but the other one doesn’t? On the one hand, saying thanks boosts the mood of both parties, so it could be that the spouse with the attitude of gratitude can keep the marriage afloat. On the other hand, the unresponsiveness of the ungrateful partner could sink the marriage, making both spouses miserable.

This is the question that Florida State University psychologists James McNulty and Alexander Dugas explored in a recent study. The researchers recruited 120 newly-wed couples, who they tracked over a three-year period. At regular intervals, the couples filled out surveys intended to measure their satisfaction with the relationship and the degree to which they felt and expressed gratitude toward their partner.

After the results of the initial survey were tallied, each participant could be identified as having either high or low expression of gratitude. This meant that couples could be divided into three types: both high in gratitude expression, both low in gratitude expression, or one high and one low.

Since gratitude was measured again at regular intervals over the next three years, the researchers could detect whether there were any significant changes across the time course of this study. Overall, there was some drop in feelings and expressions of gratitude, no doubt reflecting the end of the honeymoon period that all marriages go through.

Nevertheless, people tended to be rather consistent in their level of gratitude across the three years of the study. In other words, one partner’s attitude of gratitude was generally not infectious to the ungrateful partner. Likewise, the initially grateful spouse didn’t adopt their partner’s lack of responsiveness.

The central finding of this study was that initial levels of gratefulness of the two partners predicted satisfaction with the relationship. This was true both at the beginning of the marriage as well as at each measured time through the next three years. When both partners began the marriage with an attitude of gratitude, their initial happiness was well above average for the group. And despite a slight decrease in relationship satisfaction over the next three years, it still remained above average.

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The story was quite different, however, when one or both partners was low in felt and expressed gratitude. They started their marriages with only an average level of happiness, which quickly fell into the below average (that is, “unhappy”) range over the next three years. In other words, just one ungrateful partner was enough to pull the marriage down.

In hindsight, these results are not surprising. Still, I think there are some important take-home messages from this study.

First, we’re all creatures of habit, but that doesn’t mean we can’t change ourselves. Some of us had an attitude of gratitude instilled in us from a young age. But others of us grew up with poor models, and we never learned the importance of expressing appreciation for what the people in our lives do for us.

If you recognize that you’re one of those for whom expressions of gratitude don’t easily roll off the tongue, pay careful attention to the way your lack of gratefulness is dragging you down—and others with you. See if you can nudge yourself into showing your appreciation more often. You’ll be quite surprised at the positive responses you receive.

Second, we also need to keep in mind that we can only change ourselves, not others. If your partner is one of the “ungrateful dead,” so to speak, you shouldn’t expect your attitude of gratitude to rub off on them. Furthermore, nagging and nitpicking will only make things worse, because you’re giving them even more reason to feel ingratitude.

However, you can try to understand why your partner finds it so hard to express their appreciation when you do things for them. For one thing, there are cultural differences in how and when people express gratefulness. Likewise, families differ in their habits of expressing thanks as well. You can try explaining to your partner how important an attitude of gratitude is to you—and how much you’d appreciate it if they could become more verbally responsive to your acts of kindness.

Finally, consider if there may be some other reason why your partner is so reluctant to say thanks. For instance, when people are suffering from depression, they feel miserable and constantly ruminate on their misfortunes. They find little reason to feel grateful.

If this is the case with your spouse, give them the support they need to turn their lives around. This will likely require counseling, probably both individual and as a couple. But you can also help by encouraging them to open up. Also, be sure to listen sympathetically and without judgment. Someday, your partner may even appreciate what you’ve done for them. And that will make you both a lot happier.