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There can be a similarity between the psychological dynamics for addiction or substance dependence and the patterns of use, impairment, increased tolerance, and withdrawal found in addictive relating.
“Looking back I see my affair as a breakdown, as simply illness. It was a sickness, an emotional plague. It was equally as threatening as an alcohol or drug problem. I can honestly say it was the worst feeling I ever experienced.” —Person, p.155
In my clinical work with men and women trapped in addictive relationships, it becomes clear that their efforts to “desperately keep someone” has much more to do with an addictive need for the other, at any cost, than about sharing a loving relationship.
The Dynamics of an Addictive Relationship
1. The Partner as “Fix”
“At first our relationship was like being in heaven—it ended up in hell.”
Addictive relationships always start out wonderfully. If not, they would never work as “a fix.”
“This is the only man who ever understood me.”
“This is the kind of woman I have dreamed of being with my whole life.”
Central to what makes addictive relationships wonderful is that like addictions—they are transformative:
Be it drugs or people, addictions are a “fix” for negative feelings of anxiety, despair, self-doubt, rage, and fear of abandonment, etc. They fuel excitement, euphoria, affirmation, idealization, and connection. The problem is that the fix doesn’t last. It can’t.
Whereas healthy relationships go from initial euphoria to a realistic loving and knowing the partner as a separate person with faults as well as gifts, addictive relationships are built on rigid, unrealistic expectations and versions of the other.
"At the beginning, he texted me nonstop throughout the day. What’s happening? What changed?”
"She always wanted me. Something is wrong.”
Inevitably, addictive relationships escalate anxiety. They drive people to panic, to deny reality, to search for and even fight for a flicker of the early magic.
2. Dependency
The dependency on another person as the fix is reflected in the preoccupation and obsession that goes into maintaining the connection. A good evening, a fun vacation never holds. Endless texts, phone calls, and messages are sent to lower anxiety and ensure that the other has not turned from loving to unloving.
3. Loss of Control
The constant and insistent demands for reassurance ultimately incite rejection, rage, and threatened disconnect by the partner.
Given that few can be in an addictive relationship alone, it is no surprise that there is often a co-dependency with a partner who on some level may reject demands, but stays because he or she also needs adoration and control—even at the cost of emotional freedom.
4. Loss of Self
One of the greatest costs of addictive relating is the loss of self.
Addictive relating results in an increasingly devalued view of self and an idealized version of the other. This makes the dependency on the other-even greater.
A successful businessman complains:
“I think she is trying to trick me into getting strong and independent so she can leave me. I don't know who I am without her.”
A young woman explains:
“I trust him—he was with someone else because he was afraid I would break up with him."
5. Loss of Connections
The obsession and dramatic cycles that underscore addictive relating jeopardize connection with family and friends.
Frequently friends and family feel used for support and then pushed aside as activities are given up and responsibilities neglected in pursuit of the fix.
Often friends are called upon to soothe the escalating anxiety, bear witness to the abuse, or help in an unsuccessful attempt to stop the addiction—only to hear that their friend is back with his addiction.
Eventually, friends who step up, step out.
6. Loss of Functioning
Addictive relating impairs functioning.
The constant need for reassurance by a partner and devastation in the face of distance or disagreements too often interrupts work, self-care, and friend and family relationships.
7. Losing—“The Fix”
At the point of actually losing “the fix,” the person addicted to a partner suffers not only psychological devastation; but similar symptomatology to physical withdrawal, including sweating, cramps, anxiety, nausea, sleeplessness, eating difficulties, and disorientation.
What Stops Addictive Relating?
Over the years, what often brings people to my office is not necessarily the wish to end an addictive relationship—but the failure of the addictive relationship to work.
Some have tried the breakup and can’t cope.
Some have come to enlist my help in changing the other—essentially in making the addiction work.
Some have come with depression, rage, and physical symptoms that they do not recognize as signs of impairment from the relationship.
What Is Needed for Recovery from Addictive Relating?
Recovery begins with the end of denial—the recognition of the addiction.
Recovery involves the wish to change, even when that wish comes from hitting the wall of loss and pain.
Recovery is not about reclaiming another person but about reclaiming self.
Recovery most often necessitates seeking professional help as a way to regulate the feelings of pain, anxiety, anger, and loss; to work towards acceptance of self; to heal from past wounds; address dependency issues; and develop self-love and self-forgiveness.
Recovery involves the courage to take a journey to find self — a crucial step toward being in a viable and real relationship with another.
“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but it comes from within. It is there all the time.” —Anna Freud
