Defeating the Deficit Model of Aging

As we live our lives on a daily basis we tend to hope, and at times expect, that each day will be new and bright with promise. At times, things go wrong. We are disappointed, or we realize that we have attributed negatives to how old we are, what we can no longer do, how we no longer have power or position. Sometimes we prefer to isolate and hesitate to connect with others.

I’ll share a recent example. A friend received an announcement that her 50-year high school reunion was planned for this August. Her first comment to me was that she would not attend because a reunion would have nothing to do with her life now. We both began some reflection time where she asked me to help her reframe, as friends will do, from an objective point of view. I realized that my friend was looking at the deficits, in her perception, that might be observed by people she had not seen in many years. For example, things like activities in which she had been very active – cheerleading, photography, booster sports rallies and general hanging out with friends -- seemed to be in the distant past, framed in the way a 16 to 20-year-old might frame it. Combine that with the losses that we experience throughout life as we age and the perhaps narrow view of what our lives might be as we reach older age. It sounded like what I have named the Deficit Model of Aging. If you related to all or any part of that example, then it’s time for us to reframe.

The Deficit Model of Aging can be defeated. Does that sound like a fight, to defeat something? You bet it is. If we use our strength toward developing a positive attitude, hope and honest reflection, perhaps we can see what all of that might mean to you in your life. What is “The Deficit Model of Aging” anyway? If you feel that every year that passes, you are losing the ability to do or accomplish something, then you are ascribing to this. If you often find yourself lamenting that you can’t run five miles a day like you used to do at 40, then you are choosing to see your natural and developmental changes as a process that is taking away from you, or limiting your ability to do and be exactly as you used to be. Of course that is, in some ways, accurate – we simply aren’t the age or stage we were 25 years ago. By itself, that can be a profound and difficult acknowledgement.

Source: Split Shire

Please don’t read this as in any way belittling the passage of time, losses, age, and life stage, and how devastating that can seem for us all. To reframe a concept is not to negate reality, but rather a strategy in which to invest and then cultivate. Sometimes just changing an attitude or an inner direction can make an enormous difference in how we negotiate the remainder of our lives, regardless of the age we begin the reframe.

Try this multi-part suggestion, if you like:

• Assess your life story to date, which can be done by yourself, in a friend group, in therapy, or in any way that would make sense for you. For those of you who enjoy writing, journaling or even recording, that can be an effective way to assess your life story. Narrative discussion is effective as well – it all depends on you. The sharing of the story can be most helpful; the mode is your choice.
• When you have finished with the story to date (you will be finished when you feel you are), put it away and out of your mind for at least two days. During that time, take part in some activity that is enjoyable. Maybe that is work, friends and family gatherings, planning the next trip, getting your garden in shape or watching a favorite movie. Then discuss the story with the group you joined, the friend(s), or counselor. Say it out loud if you can. Step out of yourself. And listen as the most objective person you can be in that instance.
• Resilience – you will see it, notice it, and embrace it. How could you not? If you are of the age for a 50-year high school reunion, then you are a survivor, and so much more. Read your story and look for certain things, one at a time. One is resilience, so ask yourself “what have I been through that was difficult?” Go on to “what are my accomplishments as others might see them?” And finally for this exercise, “who have I impacted, in any way, during my life so far?” This exercise relies on honest interpretation of the things you have done, with no modesty allowed.
• Write down the answers to these questions, and share those answers with the group, friend or therapist. Keep your copy of all of the things you write. Find some pride in your accomplishments, the difference you have made, and your successes at times that were challenging and even perhaps life-threatening.
• Lastly, remember those people or that person you were sharing with? Ask them, simply, “why are we doing this, and why have you decided to listen to me?” See what the response is, you will likely be pleasantly surprised at the support you hear, and assurance that you life thus far has been pretty amazing. Be proud of that.

All of us have led different lives, with unique connections with family or friends, varying career paths, and physical or medical issues. These things are true of us through any age. I feel the resilience and reframing exercise, as well as introspection, can be done as we do age, from young adulthood on. There are countless young adults I meet within my role as counselor and professor, and many of them have serious doubts about their path, accomplishments, impact on others, etc. – and they are in their thirties and forties. We may have waited too long to review our positive lives, but if you are reading this, please know that there is no easy way to reverse aging processes. There is, however, always the inner power of resilience and reframing for the next day, year and lifetime. Acknowledge your smaller successes; cleaning the basement of old boxes that have annoyed you for years, going to see a museum show you wanted to see, photographing the beautiful flowers in your yard and sending to a friend, writing that journal you left a few years ago – really anything at all. Self acknowledgment is vital to positive attitude.

If you can be objective about your life, your survivorship (for we have all survived, if you are reading this), and can garner hope that your strength will continue to reward you and impact those around you, the Deficit Model of Aging is no longer going to plague you. Consider that although there are things not possible in your life that were 25 plus years ago, you also have things now that you didn’t have then, or even know anything about. Most professionals have more financial stability, more respect, more career power, and for a lack of a better work, more wisdom than could ever be present all those years ago. We have often embraced situations we did not anticipate or of which we were afraid, and that kind of experience and savvy is simply not available to younger adults. Embrace that inner grace we develop as we age, enjoy some of the ‘riches’ that can be available, having nothing to do with money or power. Plan things, anticipate joy, and allow your goodness to propel you toward positivity. So as I close, I’ll share that the high school reunion for my friend might just be the most fun – and, I think I may join her, since it would be my reunion as well. See you next month, my friends.