You Can Help People Feel Appreciated

We all know someone who makes us feel appreciated. I aspire to be that kind of person—in part for my own sake. People are more cooperative when they feel appreciated, and tasks are accomplished more quickly. It also makes me feel good. So I try to express appreciation whenever I can.

I’m a bit pushy about it. When I’m getting a kick out of my neighbor’s scarlet rubber boots on a rainy day as we descend in an elevator, I’ll say so, even if she looks rushed and isn’t making eye contact with me.

Although people love appreciation, their initial reaction is often resistance. Any kind of feedback can trigger distrust. You need to do it right, and it's important. We tend to worry more about how we convey criticism. However, expressing criticism is much easier if you have a history of appreciation and the ratio of appreciation to criticism is high.

I believe that telling others the truth will improve my relationships with them. I also want to hear what they appreciate about me. But as you may have guessed, I’ve gotten into trouble that way, and at times have thought I need to keep my mouth shut more often. Always, eventually, I come back to the job of finetuning the art of tactful candor.

That starts with candid, and artful, statements of appreciation. It might be embarrassing to both of us if I said to the neighbor with the scarlet boots, “We’ve been riding this elevator together for the last 15 years and it makes me happy that you’re still wearing scarlet boots.”

I'm not supposed to refer to aging. I'm also not supposed to admit that my well-being is affected by hers. I’m not even supposed to be observing her so closely, though of course, I can’t help it.

If you’re cringing as you read this, your reaction isn’t unusual. I don’t like false intimacy either. But the truth is that we are more intimate than we acknowledge. We know and feel a lot about each other just from observation and sharing public activities. We are a social species, lacking big teeth and claws, and our survival has depended on cooperation. This requires observation and empathy. When I had a neighbor who was succumbing to alcoholism and visibly deteriorating, it was hard on me every time I saw her, and, I'd guess, hard on everyone in the building.

One way we can acknowledge the reality that human beings do in fact observe many details about the people around them, and are affected by those details, is to create socially-sanctioned ways to appreciate each other.

I know a group that ends each meeting with an “appreciation circle.” Here’s one way to do it: The leader asks everybody to "appreciate" the person to his/her left. One person speaks at a time, while the others listen. The leader might say, "When appreciating that person feel free to be as specific as you like and say particular things that you noticed and that were meaningful for you [during this weekend/activity/in the last months]." So let’s say Marcia turns to Carol, on her left and says, “You have such a sharp sense of humor. It always wakes me up when I’m getting tired during the discussion. Thank you. ” Carol might nod or say "thank you" with the understanding that the activity is supposed to move on. She can bask in feeling appreciated while Marcia turns in the other direction, to Joshua on her right. Joshua might say, “Marcia, I was really touched that you remembered that my daughter was having some issues and asked me about it. You really care about other people and it shows.”

Why appreciate the person on your left while moving through the circle to the right? In most social situations we feel obligated to reciprocate; this way, Carol isn’t on the spot to “match” Marcia’s statement. She can take it in on her time. But because we are used to reciprocation, Marcia might feel a need for appreciation after giving one. She can turn to Josh and isn’t left hanging.

I’ve been in groups that added other elements. The leader might also ask each person to "appreciate" the activity/weekend/evening the group has participated in, or "appreciate" the group as a whole, or "appreciate" the leadership. You might also add "one thing you'll do as a result of this workshop."

Sometimes, I’ve faced a person who I think doesn’t like me all that much, and have been surprised by what he said. I’ve also spent the day simmering with irritation at a class member and then found myself easily appreciating her, once I was called upon to do so. The whole group benefits when we see appreciation exchanges between people who have displayed tension. The group also benefits from hearing those details; I may have remembered that Joshua’s daughter was struggling but thought Joshua would rather I didn’t bring it up. Now he’s made it clear that I can.

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Expressing true appreciation isn’t necessarily easy. It’s most useful when you go a step beyond the obvious, think about your words and put your weight behind them. “You’re awesome!” is not as effective as “I’ve noticed that you are always on time, and it’s motivated me to try to be more punctual.”

You want a tone that says, "I see what you're doing and how you are. I think it's great. I love you for it, it helps me, too, and I want to see more and more and more of it.” To me this is the essence of good hearted civilization, that we take the time to think about the good in each other, stay honest, and acknowledge that our welfare is joined.