Is It Immoral to Keep Your Romantic Feelings to Yourself?

A reader, whom I'll call "Jennifer" out of respect for her privacy (she did, however, give me permission to blog about this), recently emailed me with the following dilemma: she has worked for a man for the last two years, during which they have developed a very deep and meaningful friendship, as well as an obvious mutual attraction. She is single, and as far as she knows he is also, but she is hesitant to reveal her feelings to him for fear of endangering his job, given his formal authority over her.

On ths surface, it would seem like a conflict between pursuing her romantic interests and respecting his job and authority—not a simple problem to resolve, necessarily, but simple to describe. But it goes much deeper than that for Jennifer, as shown as the following quote from her email:

On one hand, I want to respect him and his position of authority. But, by not telling him (how I feel), in a way, I'm denying him his personal agency to make his own decision. Also by not telling him, I think I'm not living authentically—myself. Perhaps, it is immoral to care deeply for someone and to keep it to oneself?

She frames the dilemma extremely well, doesn't she?

Of course, she is concerned about the impact of such a revelation (and any relationship that may result from it) on his job, and the conflicts that may be introduced due to his formal authority over her. But she's also concerned about respecting his agency as well as maintaining her personal authenticity and integrity, and these are the issues I want to focus on in this post.

The topic of respecting another person's agency arose previously on this blog, specifically in my discussion of the self-loathing person who considers leaving a relationship out of altruistic concern for the other person, rather than respecting the other person's choice to be with him or her. Jennifer's issue is not based on self-loathing, but the altruistic impulse is similar: she is wary of creating a professional conflict for this man, which has restrained her from expressing her feelings. But at the time, she wants him to be aware of how she feels so that he can make his own decision.

She asks if it is immoral to keep her feelings a secret; in other words, does she have a duty to tell him how she feels? While it is natural to claim a duty not to lie or practice deception, few would say we have a duty to be upfront about everything (outside certain relationships that imply stronger duties, such as fiduciary relationships). Even Immanuel Kant, who was very adamant about the duty not to lie, made clear that what you should do instead—keep quiet, be vague, or change the subject—was up to you.

But Jennifer isn't concerned merely with living within her strict duty not to lie—she wants to respect this man's agency, and provide him with full information with which to make an informed choice, and that is what is pushing her to reveal her feelings to him. But as I would phrase it, in this aspect she is driven by care more than respect: while she respects his agency simply by not lying to him, she cares for his agency insofar as she wants him to make an informed choice, which goes above and beyond not lying.

So, while it is easy to say that lying is immoral (in the most general sense), we can't say the same about full disclosure, which is not as strict a duty, and can potentially be outweighed by other factors. Even if generally we can say that it's a good thing to do, especially when considered by itself, it may not be the right thing to do in all cases, when other important considerations are taken into account. For instance, in Jennifer's case, telling her boss how she feels may be a good thing taken in isolation, but so is protecting his job, which may imply keeping her feelings to herself. In other words, there are conflicting "goods" here, which is all too common a situation in real life, and one that defines our constant dilemma as ethical people: how to know we're doing the "right thing" when several options seem right?

And that brings us to Jennifer's concern regarding her authenticity, in which she wonders if keeping her feelings to herself is consistent with maintaining her personal integrity. In my opinion, that has less to do with full disclosure, and much more to do with how she makes the choice regarding it. To me, authenticity or integrity implies making choices consistent with the principles that define you as a person. So no matter what she decides to do—whether she tells him how she feels or keeps it to herself—she will remain authentic to herself as long as she makes the decision she feels is right.

Hopefully Jennifer isn't disappointed that I couldn't give a definite "yes" or "no" answer to her question, but since she's a regular reader of this blog (thanks!), I really don't think she expected one. In most cases, no one can tell you the right thing to do, because that depends on your personal moral character and your values. A person (such as myself) can certainly work through the ethical aspects of a particular situation, and help to identify rights and wrongs, or goods and bads, within it. But the "right answer" for Jennifer, or anyone else, has to be her own, the one she feels comfortable with, and the one that is consistent with her moral standards and values.

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Much of what I wrote towards the end of this post (in more general terms, of course) can be found in my forthcoming book, Kantian Ethics and Economics: Autonomy, Dignity, and Character, as well as throughout earlier posts on this blog.

You can follow me on Twitter and also at the following blogs: Economics and Ethics, The Comics Professor, and The Literary Table.