Duct Tape and WD40 for Relationships

There’s an old joke that there are only two tools anyone really needs in the toolbox: duct tape and WD40. Duct tape keeps things from moving when they shouldn’t and WD40 gets things moving when they are stuck. It would be great if relationships were that easy to maintain, wouldn’t it? Well, according to a recent research study (Murray et al., 2015), maybe they are.

What are the most effective methods of ensuring a monogamous relationship has staying power? There are three behaviors that have been identified as being key to protecting romantic relationship.

1. Acceptance (WD40?)

The first protective behavior is being willing to accommodate the actions of a partner whose behavior is hurtful. This means that when your partner behaves in ways that are unkind or wounding, you can benefit the relationship’s long term potential by suppressing the desire to retaliate or respond in an equally hurtful manner. Letting go of anger and resentment are behaviors that are more likely to protect the relationship than lashing out to get even. Being able to let go of negative kneejerk retaliatory behaviors is like a quick shot of WD40. Letting anger and the desire for revenge simply roll off your back can keep the relationship moving forward rather than getting mired in a pattern of “tit-for-tat” contests. When you find yourself getting stuck in thoughts of getting even or getting back, give yourself a mental shot of WD40 and let it go.

2. Support (Duct Tape?)

The second protective behavior involves ensuring mutual dependence, which can help both partners feel that they matter to the other. Some of the more common examples of this include partners who volunteer to do favors for the other. One partner might tackle the dishes before his mate even realizes that he’s taken “her turn.” Perhaps one partner gets up early each day to secretly pack the other’s lunch so that she can sleep five minutes later. By taking out the trash or changing the bed, couples create systems that give evidence of one another’s value to the other. When one partner enters into a relationship feeling inferior to her partners, these extra measures of support have the potential to validate to her the place she holds in the relationship. This is the equivalent of relationship duct tape. Sticking together to handle the everyday chores and mundane tasks can be good practice for sticking together to face the larger obstacles in life. Finding ways to help out one another can ensure the system keeps rocking along as a unit, not as two people existing in parallel, but individual, galaxies.

3. Commitment (A Little Bit of Both?)

The third recommended practice is being willing to resist the urge to devalue a partner who gets in the way of your own goals. Examples of this might include having a partner who prefers Mexican food to Thai food and convinces you to head out to Eduardo’s Mexican Café each Friday night when you’re rather head to the Thai Palace. If you go along with your partner’s suggestion, you’ll actually compensate for this pattern by focusing on the positive traits of your partner rather than obsessing about the negative. We stick to our partner no matter what. Here’s another opportunity to roll out the relationship duct tape and the WD40, too. Our brains are wired to justify the costs of relationships and in romantic relationships, we tend to justify poor behavior by focusing on a partner’s strengths. This willingness to “accentuate the positive” works like relationship duct tape. And like WD40, this practice is good for minimizing the friction that keeps relationships from sailing smoothly.

Electric Screwdrivers? Stud Finders? Laser Levels?

Sure, there are a million cool tools out there that are created to sell products and make fix-it-projects a little easier. Yet there are batteries to charge, bits to change, and still nails to hammer. Pyramids and houses were built with only the most basic tools. Relationship fix-it-projects, too, can be the target of creative marketing campaigns for romantic hotels, adult novelty shops, and couples counseling programs or retreats. Start with the basics, though, and you might not need to invest the big bucks into fancier versions of the standard tool set. (Caveat: When a partner's poor behavior borders on or edges into abuse, dismantling the relationship and rebuilding from the ground up may be necessary; exiting the relationship may also be advised if there is little hope for repair.)

Acceptance, Commitment, and Support. It’s as simple as duct tape and WD40.

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Reference

Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., Griffin, D. W., & Derrick, J. L. (2015). The equilibrium model of relationship maintenance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 108, 93-113.