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Resisting everyday manipulation from media, family, friends, work, and relationships is hard. It seems that we learn little from past manipulation because we find ourselves falling for it again and again in spite of a determination to stand up for yourself and not be used.
However, before you beat up on yourself, realize that it's not just hard for you. Resisting manipulation is hard for everyone though it may not seem that way. Even 'smart' people fall for manipulation over and over and over.
So why is it so hard to resist?
It is because the timing and the manner in which it occurs makes us emotional and close-minded. In such a state we fail to see the bigger picture and the ulterior motives at work.
Resistance is hard because our past trauma, otherwise recognized as 'our baggage' makes us emotional (either positive or negative) in certain situations and this emotionality prevents us from seeing ulterior motives.
Resistance is hard because effective manipulation offers 'more righteous' ways of doing things which readily lessens our anxiety or fear that we might be wrong and lessens our fear of rejection.
Another reason is that we vary widely in ability or skill to respond effectively and fear the consequences of taking action. Effective manipulation stirs up this fear and then offers relief through convincing ways to guarantee success. In this state of 'relief', we often don't see the ulterior motives.
Manipulation is hard to resist because:
1. The promise of relief that it gives often distracts us from seeing ulterior motives.
2. Our baggage (past trauma triggered by present experience) prevents us from seeing ulterior motives.
3. We fear anticipated rejection at the thought of being wrong, and manipulation works on making us feel 'righteous' with an expectation of approval.
4. We fear the real world consequences of failure and manipulation works on offering us a guarantee of outcome.
The instinctive belief that humans have in the idea that there is safety in numbers sets us all up to be easy targets for manipulation. The likelihood of survival for humans is not high for isolated or disliked individuals. Consequently, we all have an instinctive and unconscious urge to be in a group(s) and be valued by the group.
Groups vary in size. Examples of groups include partners, family, team, tribe, mob, crowd, religion, and Nation. Instinct operates on the principle that inclusion in a group offers protection particularly if one is valued. We are easily manipulated because manipulation taps into this underlying instinctive need. Survival is unconsciously in the background just waiting to manipulate us with our feelings.
Manipulation follows a repetitive and, once understood, easily recognized process.
Step 1 Manipulation targets aspects of your life where you feel you are not enough - as a partner, as a parent, as a person, as a sibling, as an employee, as a friend, as a student, as a member (of whatever group), as an earner, as a saver, as a 'looker', as an artist, as an actor, doctor, banker, tradesperson, builder, as an entrepreneur, as a Boss, a leader, a footballer, a cyclist - yes the list is potentially endless.
Manipulation targets your sensitivities.
Step 2 Manipulation pokes at these aspects until there is an emotional reaction. This emotional reaction has to be strong enough to create tunnel vision in your common sense (your ability to think ahead, to weigh pros and cons, to see differing viewpoints) so that you are unable to recognize the ulterior motives behind the manipulation.
Manipulation pokes your sensitivities until you are emotional and one-eyed or worse.
Step 3 Manipulation uses the narrow-mindedness created by your emotional reaction to persuade you that a particular action is 'righteous' and acceptable to the members of the groups that you belong to, or desire to belong. This retarding of your logical thinking allows manipulation to convince you that the group will value your action. You are unable at that moment to appreciate the bigger picture and the ulterior motives at work.
Manipulation resists your ability to think ahead.
Step 4 Manipulation uses the narrow-mindedness created by your emotional reaction to persuade you that a particular viewpoint or action is sure to be productive and successful. The emotional relief from anxiety (often felt as anger) and fear that accompanies manipulation discourages any further consideration and prompts immediate action.
Manipulation causes smart people to do unbelievably dumb things.
Been there, done that, have the T-shirt!
Knowing all of the above does not make you immune to manipulation. The best result you can get is to recognize it coming at you more of the time and when you do see it coming, get better at resisting it some of the time.
Dr. Robert Dawson
