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Each December family, friends, and impatient children gather round the Christmas tree, menorah, or kinara in eager anticipation of their annual gift exchange. In an ideal world, each unwrapped box would elicit smiles and a sincere appreciation of the love and care invested in each gift. But since we don’t live in a perfect world, festive holiday celebrations occasionally end up with crumpled gift wrap dejectedly tossed on the floor, forced smiles, hollow thank-yous, and air heavy with disappointment. For many, there’s the uneasy knowledge that the lovingly purchased scarf or sweater—like the dozens of scarves and sweaters of years past—will be promptly re-gifted, returned, or gingerly deposited in the local Goodwill bin. For an unfortunate few, the holiday gift exchange may trigger raw resentment over a gift deemed not good enough, pricey enough, or personal enough.
Why, for some, does a gift exchange become such an emotionally intense experience?
A gift isn’t just a gift. It’s a powerful symbol of who we are, what we value, and how others see us. The key to appreciating or repairing fraught gift-giving is to help understand exactly what's gone wrong:
1. The giver doesn’t see you for who you really are.
Gift givers, especially parents, might not see us for who we are, but who they believe we are. Maybe they give us gifts we would have loved 30 years ago, but have since outgrown (the latest NKOTB CD, anyone?). Maybe their love for us takes the form of reality-distorting rose colored glasses. Take Robert, for example. A kind, thoughtful, public-health doctor, his parents see him as a paragon of goodness. But they also see him as a paragon of physical stature—despite his actual 5’9” height. Each December for the past three decades, they’ve given him a large or extra-large sweater, jacket, or blazer. All found a home with Goodwill—until this year. Robert finally told his parents that he would love a new medium-size winter coat, and they eagerly obliged. Providing gift givers with a glimpse into who we really are today (not 20 years ago) can be an important turning point. The reality check will be appreciated by both giver and receiver.
2. The giver and receiver have different values.
Some people simply don’t care about gifts or holidays. Some of us view holiday gifting the same way we view oatmeal, or Game of Thrones, or vacations to Branson, Missouri. If other people enjoy it, great. However, we don’t particularly like it, or have any feelings on the matter. At the other end of the spectrum are those who go all out, donning holiday sweaters, decorating their homes with cherished ornaments, streaming holiday music on Pandora, and devoting countless hours to shopping and wrapping. For those who deeply care about holidays and all their trimmings, an inappropriate or underwhelming gift may be particularly painful.
Yet the value divide is even more profound between those who have a consumerist vs. a collectivist value orientation. Some people relish shopping, and place great importance on physical possessions. For complex psychological reasons, each purchase may boost their mood, their self-esteem, and their sense of “fitting in” with a culture that valorizes conspicuous consumption. Consequently, they sincerely believe that the possessions that make them happy will also make their friends and family happy. Others, by contrast, feel their money could be spent in more meaningful ways. Rather than buying yet another unwanted trinket that will end up in a landfill, they're convinced we should instead give our money to good causes, because isn’t that the real meaning of the season? This divide is deep and vast, and those on either side of it are not likely to cross over easily.
3. The giver and receiver have different resources.
The United States is riven by deep and enduring economic inequalities. Some are graced with good fortune, while others, no matter how hard they work, will not have the deep pockets of their more advantaged counterparts. And inequality isn’t just something that’s “out there.” It affects our families and circles of friends. Some have more disposable income than others, and can afford to give more, should they choose. Those who have less may feel acute pressure to keep up with the Joneses—even if it takes a major toll on their bank account and peace of mind. Unfortunately, in our society, some erroneously equate an individual’s worth as a human being with their capacity to earn and spend. This line of thinking will make some feel guilty for not giving “enough” during the holidays, while others may feel resentful for not receiving “enough.”
Given the deep psychological meaning of giving and receiving, how can we ensure that the annual gift exchange brings out joy, appreciation, and gratitude rather than disappointment or resentment?
1. Limit gift-giving to children.
Many families choose to give presents only to children. The money saved can go toward buying side dishes for the holiday meal, or kept in one’s bank account to help fund a mid-year family trip.
2. Give to charity.
With so much need in the world, why not give a charitable contribution to an organization that promotes the values or causes your recipient truly believes in? Nearly everyone has a passion for a cause—eradicating poverty, funding the arts, upholding reproductive rights, preserving parks, fighting cancer, or protecting animals from slaughter. These contributions can also be a great holiday conversation starter. By listening to their reasons why they love a particular charity, you learn much more about family members’ deeply-held values and passions. (Check with a site like Charity Navigator or Charity Watch first, to ensure that an organization is reputable).
3. Say what you want, and why.
Some people aren’t willing to give up their gift-giving tradition. If that’s the case for you, be honest about what you want (or don’t want). Ask relatives outright, “What would you like?” Rather than viewing such requests as rude or demanding, see them as opportunities to get to know more about one another. If your cousin says, “I want a new yoga mat,” that opens the door to learn more about his or her yoga routine, while a request for a new novel invites you to share ideas about your favorite authors.
The most important thing to remember is that holiday traditions should bring us closer together, not drive us apart. By using the gift exchange as a way to really get to know new things about friends and family, and grow to appreciate our differences, we will truly uphold the spirit of the season.
