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Emotional trauma can occur at any time in life. However, many people with trauma have experiences that date back to their early childhood years. When a mother is a narcissist, the child grows up in emotional chaos. What is right one day is wrong the next, and what is rewarded on one occasion is punished or ignored on another.
Over time, children with narcissistic parents, and particularly narcissistic mothers, experience emotional trauma. In many cases, the narcissistic mother or parent doesn't just stop at emotional abuse. The trauma extends to physical abuse, especially if the child attempts to have her needs met.
Through this process, the child fails to develop healthy boundaries. They see themselves in the role of keeping the peace, not rocking the boat, and trying desperately to figure out what will keep the parent happy. They learn not to express themselves, not to have their own emotional responses, and to see relationships as a giver and a taker partnership. This is very different from a healthy relationship where people give and take at different stages and in different situations.
Dating Relationships
The narcissist is a chameleon in the initial stages or the courtship of the dating relationship. He is a charmer, going out of his way to shower affection, attention, and focus on the other person. He seems to like what she likes, to have the same values and beliefs, and to want to provide her with the relationship she longs to have.
However, this is a front. It is the specific features and emotional support that the person with trauma is looking for in their life. Their need for constant reassurance and acceptance in the relationship is exactly what the narcissist is willing to offer, at least for a short period of time.
Then, the change starts happening, often slowly and almost always with significant manipulation. The showering of affection now turns to extreme possessiveness and the isolation of the individual from family and friends. This triggers old fears that closely resemble the original trauma, bringing about the desire to keep the narcissist happy by whatever means necessary.
To make things more problematic, the narcissist often uses reinforcement during the relationship. Sometimes, seemingly randomly, the narcissist goes back to the charming personality, providing love, attention, affection, and making the partner feel special and loved.
This random or intermittent attention becomes a form of powerful reinforcement to stay in the relationship. The trauma survivor keeps hoping the next change will be permanent. They hope they can somehow recreate the exact situation that brought about the short-lived positive relationship. This cycle continues, sometimes getting shorter and sometimes getting longer, but always keeping enough hope alive to keep the partner in the relationship.
Often people with trauma recognize these signs in the relationship. However, they do not have the ability to simply walk away or get out of the relationship. The narcissist continues to destroy the partner's sense of self-worth while creating situations that build up guilt, self-blame, and opportunities to gaslight and manipulate the other person's thinking.
Working with a trauma-informed professional counselor or therapist is critical in breaking free from this pattern. It is possible to change the way you see yourself and to create positive behaviors that allow you to break out of these destructive relationship cycles.
