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When some people split up, they can’t take any responsibility for their own behavior and are preoccupied with blaming their former partner. Whether you’re receiving their hostile remarks by email or in-person, they can hurt, confuse and shut down necessary conversations. Should you respond? It depends. If you respond, what’s the best way to do it without fanning the flames of conflict even more so? This blog article gives some tips that can leave you feeling good about yourself and your writing, while defusing the situation.
Should You Respond?
The question here is whether there has been an ongoing conversation that’s just escalating. If it's just between you and your ex, you may realize that you are not going to change their minds so that it is not worth responding at all. This is especially true if you have already said everything you intended to say and it has been ignored.
On the other hand, if you have received a hostile communication that may end up in public or be seen by important people in your life, it is often better to respond. If you don’t respond, it may appear that you agree with the hostile comment. If you do respond, it’s best to be brief, informative, friendly and firm (BIFF).
BIFF Responses®
A BIFF Response is a good way of keeping your response positive, rather than getting dragged down into the negative. We have been teaching BIFF Responses at High Conflict Institute seminars for over twelve years. They’re simple. They’re quick. And it helps you stop a hostile conversation. Of course, if you’re dealing with an abusive person, you’re better off getting away from that person rather than trying to calm them with a BIFF Response.
A BIFF Response has four qualities to it:
BRIEF
Don’t try to say a lot. The less the better, except that a sentence or less is too abrupt. Most of the best BIFF Responses are a paragraph, even if you are responding to a two or three-page statement with many hostile allegations. You don’t have to respond to each one, unless you’re filing a court brief about it.
INFORMATIVE
This is where you say something that’s factual, and not a defense, opinion, counter-attack, or other emotional response. It can be brief—like a sentence or two. By avoiding defending yourself, you’re not engaging in the kind of attack-defend cycle that spirals out of control. It also isn’t necessary, because hostile attacks are about the person saying them and not the recipient. It’s in the person’s head. So it's better to shift the focus to providing factual information.
FRIENDLY
It doesn’t have to be super-friendly; just a friendly greeting and possibly a friendly closing. You want the tone to not be negative, even when the first communication directed toward you has been highly negative. Your goal is to end the hostile conversation or get an answer to a simple question.
FIRM
Write it in a manner that can be the end of the conversation. Be careful to avoid being harsh. The goal is to end it peacefully, so that it doesn’t trigger another counter-attack. Don’t leave any hooks out, such as “What do you think of that?” You don’t want to invite a response. You want to help the other person let go of the conflict. In some cases, you may need to ask a question and ask for a response, such as “Let me know Yes or No by Thursday at 5 pm.” This still keeps the conversation contained.
Example
“I received your comment about my plans with the children this weekend. While I see it differently, I am glad that you read it and thought about it. Take care, Bill”
This makes it clear that you see it differently, without having to get into an argument about its details. If it was a reasonable comment, then one could be more detailed in responding. But when it’s a hostile comment, there is no benefit to continuing the conversation.
Conclusion
A key problem that modern electronic media has created is fast and negative communication. When it is one-way without in-person context (like an email or text), there are no immediate restraints to slow people down, such as a frown or other facial response. Therefore, many people feel free to express their negative emotions and opinions without considering how the person on the other end feels. That’s why email and text communications can become quickly hostile, unless people are careful.
Free Online Seminar on BIFF Responses
I believe it is important for as many people as possible to learn this method of calming conversations, especially in writing and especially between exes. This can also be for the sake of the children, to avoid any more adverse childhood experiences. Therefore, on Wednesday, October 16, 2019, at 5:30-7:00 p.m. Central Time, I am going to be giving a free telephone seminar about BIFF Responses, sponsored by Randi Kreger, author of Stop Walking on Eggshells. To sign up email randifeedback@gmail.com. Bring your questions and sample emails that could use a BIFF Response.
