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Key points
- Zero-gen students struggle with traumatic childhoods that affect their adult dating behaviors.
- These students navigate religious dilemmas when dating.
- Zero-gen students deals with opposition from their traditional families who reject modern dating.
- These students face severe cultural tension as they transition from a traditional to a modern society.
Mohammed is a zero-generation student who immigrated from Yemen to the United States in pursuit of higher education. He was traumatized during his troubled childhood in Yemen, having witnessed a heinous war that has been described as the worst humanitarian crisis in modern history. Mohammed never dated a girl in Yemen because of the rigid gender norms in society. He attended schools from kindergarten to high school that were segregated by gender, and he has neither collegial nor social interactions with the opposite gender. When he immigrated to the U.S., he decided to try the American style of dating. Mohammed’s mother, who is still living in Yemen, did not approve of his adventures in American dating, because she wants to get him into an arranged marriage. (I interviewed Mohammed and do not use his real name.)
When applying to master’s programs, Mohammed was invited for an in-person interview. He sat next to Abby. The two bonded over their anxiety around the group interview. There was an instant spark of attraction. She would laugh even at his silly jokes. After that brief encounter, they headed into separate rooms to participate in the interview; they briefly regrouped for a quick goodbye. Mohammed lacked transportation, so he asked Abby for suggestions since she appeared familiar with the area. She offered him a ride and Mohammed’s immediate thought was “perfect.” Although Mohammed and Abby talked for less than 10 minutes, they were isolated for more than an hour in Abby’s car. As a Muslim man raised in Islamic schools in Yemen, Mohammed never traveled with a girl alone. In Islam, the prophet allegedly said that, when a man and woman are isolated, the Devil is the third.
“I’m from Yemen, by the way,” Mohammed said.
“Oh, that is so cool. My parents come from Syria,” Abby said.
“Oh, nice, do you speak Arabic then?”
“Unfortunately, no, but can you teach me?”
“Sure, I’ll charge you a modest amount for my tutorial services,” Mohammed joked.
“Deal.”
A long pause in the conversation ensued. Mohammed was thinking about his past in Yemen, and how this car ride will never occur there. The Devil was conjuring up all sorts of thoughts. Meanwhile, she played the radio, listening to the local news and the occasional music. While she was focusing on the road and trying to avoid traffic accidents, Mohammed was absorbed in his mental traffic and trying to prevent mental accidents in his head. She was perhaps puzzled by Mohammed’s silence. Mohammed pretended to sleep. In no time, they arrived at the final destination.
“Would you like to grab lunch?” Abby suggested.
“Sure, but only if we are going to a Middle Eastern restaurant,” Mohammed said.
“Oh, I know a great Arab restaurant.”
While eating, Abby received a text from her girlfriend. They were wondering how her interview went and whether she made it back safely. And they were concerned because she recently broke up with her boyfriend. Mohammed thought that she was disclosing this information to help him see an opportunity, but he also thought that she was sending him a clue that she wasn’t ready to date. Mohammed didn’t know how to interpret that piece of information. He was taken off guard. But whenever he doesn’t know what to do, Mohammed would empathize and sympathize with what is being said.
“Oh, sorry to hear about your boyfriend,” Mohammed said.
“Thanks. I just told them I’m eating out with a new guy,” she teased.
“I hope the new man is categorically different than the former one,” he said. She wasn’t in a bad mood, but she wasn’t in a jubilant mood, either. He was thinking about all the possibilities that can go from there. Anxious, he was coping by eating the food they ordered. He was scared, intimidated, and uncertain.
After lunch, they wandered around and then returned to the car. They seemed to be connecting but she appeared confounded by his behavior. When Abby dropped him off, she wondered aloud whether he would ask for her number. Mohammed didn’t know how to react because this was his first encounter with a woman in America. He was a man who until recently had expected his mother to arrange a marriage for him with a Yemeni girl. Asking for her number, knowing where that might lead, would invite the Devil in for sure. For all the courage it took for Mohammed to immigrate to America as an adult and speak limited English to attend college, he couldn’t ask for her number. But she offered her number and social media accounts. Although they remained connected through social media, they never saw each other again.
Mohammed does not know what she thought about him. In retrospect, she probably misinterpreted his inexperience as a lack of interest in her. She had no way of knowing that Mohammed had never eaten lunch alone with a girl. In any event, Mohammed’s mother was happy that this courtship had failed. His mother is increasingly mystified by his behaviors since he immigrated to America, as he is becoming a person she could neither recognizes nor appreciates. The longer Mohammed stays away from his mother, the wider the gap between them.
