How to Survive Conflict Without Making Enemies

Source: Peter van der Sluijs, Knokken om het heerschap over Brielle Spanjaarden, Wikimedia commons

These days, people with different views all too often see each other as enemies.

In many cases, it is not the conflict itself but how we perceive it that produces hostility. Conflicts are inevitable in life. As Lao-Tzu wrote long ago in the Tao Te Ching, nature’s two polarities, yin and yang, are present everywhere. In fact, yin and yang originally meant the sunny and shady sides of the same mountain. Contrasts and conflicts are part of the evolving harmony of life.

What keeps us from seeing this harmony? Fear. Whenever we feel our security is threatened, we can become defensive, hostile, and aggressive (LeDoux, 1996). When we’re caught up in fear, conflict can turn to combat. We see disagreement as a threat, projecting our fears upon people we see as the cause of all our problems. Conflict resolution then becomes a matter of either “winning” or “losing.”

Our challenge is to face conflict without narrowing our vision, to remain flexible, shifting from being reactive to creative, a process that must begin within ourselves.

A centering exercise

Do you have a practice to regain your center when you’re stressed? If not, the next time you’re caught up in conflict, you might try this centering exercise from the nonviolent martial art of aikido:

• Take a few minutes to detach from the conflict and refocus your energies.
• Stand with your knees slightly bent and your arms relaxed, held out in front of you at waist level.
• Focus your attention on your hara, two inches below your navel, and take a deep breath.
• Now release it, letting go of all tension.
• Breathe in once more, focusing on the hara, slowly taking in new energy.
• Now breathe out, feeling more centered, relaxed, and at peace.

With practice, you’ll be able to center yourself in any situation by merely focusing on the hara while taking a deep mindful breath (Dreher, 2000/2022).

Centering shifts our energies so that we can become more calm, focused, and harmonious, able to see new opportunities. And as research has shown, our energies definitely affect the people around us (McCraty, & Childre, 2010; Childre, Martin, Rozman, & McCraty, 2016).

The partnership process

When we’re centered, conflict can become an opportunity for cooperation instead of a wedge that divides us, promoting greater respect and understanding. International conflict resolution facilitator Dudley Weeks (1992) developed a “partnership process” in which two people or groups in conflict can become partners, solving current problems and creating new opportunities together.

Much of this process involves listening carefully—to ourselves and the other person. By clarifying our perceptions and articulating our needs, we can see each other as partners in a powerful process of discovery. To begin this process, you would:

1. Calm your initial stress reaction with a centering practice.
2. Listen to yourself, asking what you really need from the situation.
3. Meet with the other person in a safe and neutral space and ask what that person needs, listening mindfully. You don’t have to agree. Simply reflect, repeating back the main points, letting them know they’ve been heard and that you’re trying to understand.
4. Look for common ground. What is one thing you can agree on?
5. Find one small step you can take together. This first step will progressively lead to another as you develop greater trust and understanding, creating new possibilities together (Weeks, 1992).

I experimented with this partnership process with Lucy, an outspoken woman at my local gym whose politics are the opposite of mine. Walking on the treadmill next to mine, she ranted about political corruption and everything that was wrong with our government. Instead of reacting, I took a deep hara breath to get centered. Then I listened to her passionate list of grievances until finally, I heard something we could agree on: prescription drugs. Many generic drugs are produced overseas without sufficient FDA oversight and drug prices have been skyrocketing.

“You’re right,” I said, “prescription drugs are a real problem.” Then I asked, “What can we do about it?” We decided to write letters to our congressional representative—our first step together. When our representative held a telephone town hall meeting, we each called in to expressed our concern, Then we shared our impressions at our next gym workout. A few weeks later, we high-fived each other at the gym when we learned our congressional representative had introduced a federal bill to reform drug quality and pricing. By now, Lucy and I were more than conflict resolution partners. We had become friends, working to create new possibilities together.

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Now it’s your turn. How can you use these five steps—centering, listening to yourself, listening to the other person, finding common ground, and taking the first step together?

As the Tao Te Ching reminds us: “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” (Dreher, 2000/2022).

This post is for informational purposes and should not substitute for psychotherapy with a qualified professional.