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Key points
- Unwanted emotions are often a source of shame and distress.
- Our most painful emotional experiences reveal what we value most in life.
- Understanding emotions through the lens of our values helps decrease our shame.
- Shifting our relationship with emotions helps us respond to them with compassion instead of fear.
Unwanted emotions have long been a source of deep shame. Not only is it our natural inclination to run from them, but society also reinforces this stigma. We've received direct messages that they signify weakness and vulnerability: “Don’t let them see you cry or they will take advantage of you.” Societal norms further dictate which emotions are acceptable, often influenced by gender—boys shouldn't cry, girls shouldn't get angry—leading us to believe that certain emotions are shameful or off-limits to us. Some messages about emotions are more subtle, yet still detrimental. Growing up, I was told I could control my emotions, that “no one could make you feel bad; that’s your choice.” But I found that I didn’t have such control and the emotions only grew stronger.
The Spiral of Shame
We often judge ourselves harshly for not being able to eliminate unwanted emotions, adding layers of shame to our discomfort. As a result, we feel bad about feeling bad, creating a downward spiral of self-criticism: “Why can’t I get over this? Why can’t I be stronger? What’s wrong with me?”
A New Relationship With Our Emotions
Learning to interpret our emotions through the lens of our values can help us understand and justify our feelings, reducing negative self-judgment and fostering self-compassion. Our emotions are a reflection of our values and there is no shame in having strongly held values. (For more on decoding emotions, see my previous post.)
For example, if we are distraught over losing a friend, instead of berating ourselves for being “soft,” we might say, “Of course this is upsetting; friendship is one of my primary values.” This is matter-of-fact, devoid of harsh judgement. And the fact that you value friendship just means that you are someone who is going to be a good friend and will continue to cultivate friendships in your life. It also means that you are likely someone who will be very upset when there are ruptures in friendships.
Pain Underscores Our Values
Where we feel emotional pain, we will uncover our most deeply-held values. And often the depth of our emotion is a mirror reflection of the depth of our values. For example, the pain of a miscarriage matches the depth of desire for that child, and underscores values like love and family. This understanding certainly doesn’t erase the pain but puts it into context. It makes sense and so we are less likely to be dismissive of those feelings.
Client Examples
Here are three examples of clients whose relationships with unwanted emotions shifted when they began viewing their emotions through the lens of their values:
One of my clients had been struggling with anxiety her entire life. Her fear of illness led her to isolate. This created even more distress and anxiety since she had such a strong zest for life, yet found herself on the sidelines. After discussing the purpose of emotions, she came to realize that the anxiety was reflecting her deep love and gratitude for life, a life she did not want to lose to illness, a life she wanted to live well. She reflected back, “My anxiety is really just showcasing the very best parts of me, all of the things about myself that I am most proud of.” The shame dissipated and her anxiety became a reminder for her to live life fully.
Another client came to me for help with emotion regulation. His traumatic brain injury had resulted in uninhibited emotional responses, meaning his emotions were at the surface and easily observed by all. His voice would shake and he would become tearful when emotion was present. He struggled with anger since it would quickly escalate and he would find himself yelling and negatively impacting his most cherished relationships. His emotions had become his Achilles heel. Once he learned that his emotions reflected important values—in his case primarily respect and justice—he was able to view them in a new light. A few weeks later he was describing an incident in which he became emotional and I asked how that made him feel, since previously it would have been highly distressing. He responded, “It is fine; I know I am just a highly evolved person and so have more intense emotions.” His emotions transformed into a strength, and maybe even a source of pride, showcasing his values. And while the emotions are still hard to regulate, understanding their purpose has decreased his fear of his feelings and, as a result, made them more manageable.
Finally, I worked with a client struggling with lifelong depression. Throughout her life she had always been labeled “the sensitive one” and her emotions were routinely dismissed by family members. Naturally, she felt ashamed and tried to avoid or distract from emotions, leaving her feeling more apathetic and directionless. In exploring the relationship between her emotions and values, she became more accepting of her unwanted emotions, which gave her access to her underlying values and the positive emotions that accompany them. Being sensitive was no longer a dirty insult, but a reflection of her values: compassion, love, and desire for connection. The pain was still there but it made sense and it directed her toward more fulfilling relationships.
For each of these individuals, their unwanted emotions did not disappear, but the fear and shame associated with them did. This new relationship opened life up, making them more comfortable with risks and less afraid of unwanted emotions. They could live more fully, knowing they didn’t need to fear their feelings.
Letting Go of Shame
Remember that if we feel bad, that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us; our bodies are alerting us to important values.
If we feel bad, that doesn’t mean we are weak; our emotions are highlighting the strength of our values.
If we feel bad, we don’t need to run or dismiss those feelings; we can decode them and respond thoughtfully.
Accepting Our Emotions
By understanding our unwanted emotions, we can start to develop a new relationship with them. While it will never feel good to experience them and while we certainly will never want them to be present, when they inevitably rear their heads, we can uncover why they are present. We can uncover what is important to us. And there we will find the best parts of ourselves reflected back.
