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Key points
- Bosses who send mixed messages likely do not see any problem with the way they are acting.
- Let go of your anger and approach conversations with your boss pragmatically.
- Ask direct and specific questions and make pointed, appropriate suggestions.
Some bosses send ambiguous, deliberately unclear, mixed messages. It can be frustrating to deal with a misleading boss because you feel that you are on a perpetual roller-coaster. The boss tells you she likes your work; the next time you do it that way, she tears into you. She says she is not blaming you for some error that occurred, but it is your report that she is going over word by word, and she is scowling as she expresses this “reassurance.” Should you believe her words or her body language?
Another cause for confusion is when the boss is praising your excellent performance and then asks, “Why can’t you do this all the time?” It can be frustrating to decipher where you stand with such a boss or which signals you should accept.
While you may be constantly under stress, bosses who speak ambiguously are often surprised to hear that they appear to be talking out of both sides of their mouths.
What You Are Thinking: "I’m never sure what I’m supposed to do because I can’t follow my boss’s muddied, mixed-up directions. Asking for clarification just results in more of their double talk. She hedges, never giving a straightforward answer. I really believe she does this purposely. Then when something goes wrong, she can put the blame on me for not following orders."
What She’s Thinking: "Why doesn’t John perform better? He looked so promising when I hired him. I have seriously tried to motivate him by praising what he does well, but he can’t follow the simplest directions without messing up. I will have to discuss this lack of motivation with him at his next performance review."
Strategy
Your goal is to manage your manager. Clear up muddied messages and open up good two-way communication. Forget trying to uncover the boss’s motive. Rather, focus on helping yourself and bettering your relationship.
- Act as though the problem is with the system. Even if you think the whole project is so iffy that your boss is being purposely vague so they don't have to take all of the heat, give them the benefit of the doubt. Or, let them play their game. Either way, you still need to help establish some communication ground rules.
- Speak up now. Bottled frustration can eventually explode in an untimely outburst. Prepare your case and rehearse your talk from key word reminders. Pick a good time for an appointment with your boss to “discuss something important.”
- Keep your talk friendly and practical. Don’t make accusations. Discuss your mutual concern for the company and offer procedural suggestions for their consideration.
Tactical Talk
"There seems to be a problem with everyone getting on the same page. [Stick to facts and avoid placing any blame. Then, skip the cause and jump to the solution.] What would you think about a checklist like this? I’ve marked points I think are trouble spots, like this one…."
Or: "Could we discuss instructions face-to-face to avoid any incorrect interpretations? Sometimes, I find that text messages can be interpreted differently by different people…."
When a boss gives mixed messages, instead of trying to make them eat their words, feed them some ground rules for improved communication.
Copyright© 2024 Amy Cooper Hakim.
