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Key points
- Autistic traits are consistent but are not consistently problematic.
- Managing situations can minimise any potentially negative impact of autistic traits.
- Noticing your autistic traits more can remind you that “not looking autistic” doesn't reflect your experience.
- Developing emotional regulation tools can help minimise any negative impact of autistic traits.
As someone diagnosed as autistic in adulthood, it’s easy to forget that I’m autistic much of the time. What I mean is that “being autistic” isn’t something I consciously have to think about.
Although I write about autism and work with autistic clients, much of the time I don’t notice the impact of my autistic traits and experience of the world. These are the times when things are going well; when I’m sleeping reasonably, when I’m not challenged by anything out of the ordinary, and when I have time to care for myself creatively and physically.
Given the unpredictability of life, inevitably something happens that triggers a response that is so extreme and derailing that it is a sharp reminder that I face significant struggles because of being autistic. The trigger could be anything from making a phone call when I’m tired to coping with a couple of sleepless nights. Anything that involves “messy” situations—the type of situations that aren’t rapidly and conclusively resolved—sends me into a worried, physically ill state.
Similarly, being exposed to too much sensory stimulation—for instance, by shopping in a busy city, on top of seeing too many people in a week—is enough to cause a meltdown or such extreme fatigue I need a couple of days to recover. Having my plans and routine changed can cause me to become distressed and angry.
When these incidents occur, I can see that my reaction is far more intense than other people's. These are the types of responses that, before I knew I was autistic, would have caused me to feel “weird” or “different.” It’s a sharp reminder that I experience the world differently to many and that the impact of that can be severe.
What I Take From the Process of “Forgetting” and “Remembering”
The forgetting is comforting. It shows that if my life is running in a way that is ordered and avoids conflict with other people and avoidance of triggering situations, I feel OK.
Like everyone else, I cannot control what happens around me. What I can do, though, is minimise exposure to situations that I potentially can't control, so that I have more capacity to deal with the unexpected when it does arise.
Managing my life in this way can include big life decisions—such as choosing to be self-employed instead of working somewhere as an employee—and everyday decisions, including avoiding making more than one appointment in a day or going to a local shop instead of a sensory-overloading supermarket. The “forgetting” reminds me how important it is to recognise my autistic needs and manage my life accordingly.
The “remembering” is a sharp reminder that I am autistic. It’s a reminder that I truly do process the world differently from most people and that I need to stay vigilant about protecting my needs. It’s a reminder to avoid the situations that are triggering and stressful and make sure I don’t take on more than I can manage. It’s easy to forget, when everything is going well, how rapidly and impactfully I can descend into an overwhelmed and anxious state.
It’s also a reminder of just how important those emotional regulation management tools that I’ve worked on over the last few years are. While I still struggle to emotionally regulate, I can get to a point of rationality, calmness, and physical wellness sooner than I would have been able to in the past.
Receiving a reminder that I’m autistic also highlights the importance of how much of my autistic experience is hidden from the world. Very few people see me in a distressed, exhausted, endlessly-caught-up-in-a-thought-loop self. That’s not the professional me that I choose to present to the world and, except for my partner, it’s not a version that anyone else gets to witness.
How to Apply This to Your Own Life
If you’re autistic and you experience a similar process of forgetting and remembering, the following can help.
- Having phases where you can enjoy all the positive aspects of being autistic without experiencing mental or physical difficulties shows that you’re doing something right; you're recognising your needs. Take note of what you’re doing at those times and commit to including more of that in your life.
- Record how you feel and respond during the times when things aren’t so good. If, like many autistic people diagnosed in adulthood, you experience imposter syndrome and can’t fully believe that you are autistic, remember some of the intense and difficult things you went through that were your original catalyst for seeking out a diagnosis.
- Use negative experiences as a reminder of how important it is to practice emotional regulation tools, including being aware of your own emotional regulation timeline or developing your awareness of your own emotions; that way, you can draw on these tools when needed.
- Remind yourself, the next time someone says you “don’t look autistic,” or questions whether you have “real” autism, that most people don’t witness your more intense struggles.
