Avoiding Affection May Not Signal Romantic Disinterest

One of the most misunderstood types of sexual behavior is asexuality. Defined differently by different people, research explains some of the nuances necessary to understand if you are in a relationship with someone you suspect might fit the bill.

Source: Image by Messan Edoh from Pixabay

Avoiding Intimacy or Indifference?

Brooke Higginbottom (2024) in a piece entitled “The Nuances of Intimacy,”[i] discussed asexuality as a developing field, still lacking in large-scale qualitative research. She notes that a substantial amount of existing research defines and categorizes asexuality, voicing support for an increased amount of focus on how asexual people experience romantic and sexual relationships.

Higginbottom’s research, which involved 349 participants, showcased some of the challenges asexuals encounter when dating, and how they perceive platonic, romantic, and sexual relationships through the lens of their own perspectives and experiences. She describes her study as providing a higher level of legitimacy to “the fluidity” of asexual relationships, and asexuality in general.

How common is asexuality? Higginbottom notes that according to research, estimates suggest that asexual identification is approximately 0.4 and 6% of the global population. Yet she notes that it has only been recently that asexuality has become a point of public discussion and academic interest.

She distinguishes asexuality from celibacy—refraining from sexual activity intentionally, such as for religious reasons, because asexuality is not an intentional choice. Although it has been connected to medical issues, research indicates that asexual people are unlikely to seek treatment to remedy their inability to experience desire.

Higginbottom notes that although asexuality has been linked to sexual trauma in some instances, many individuals identify as asexual without suffering past trauma. She notes that because asexuality is defined as a lack of a sexual drive, some academic scholars argue that it does not merit a categorization of a sexuality or sexual orientation. Yet within a relationship, it might explain a dynamic of perceived disinterest.

When “Not in the Mood” Does Not Mean “Not Interested”

Someone involved with an asexual partner may worry that lack of perceived romantic interest means the bloom is off the rose. This is not necessarily true. Higginbottom notes that although they may not need or desire sexual activity, asexual individuals are still able to experience attraction and enjoy the intimacy of emotional connection, which is an important component of a successful relationship.

Regarding physical affection, Higginbottom confronts the misconception that asexual people are always repulsed by the idea of sexual contact. Instead, she notes that such interest exists on a spectrum, just like within any other group of individuals, recognizing that while some asexuals are sex-aversive, avoiding any type of sexual activity, others are sex-positive, lacking sexual desire without opposing engaging in such contact. She notes that asexual individuals who engage in sexual activity may be motivated by pleasure, curiosity, relief from stress, or desire to please a partner.

Asexuality in an "Oversexed" Society

Dating an asexual partner requires a healthy level of relational respect. Higginbottom notes that many asexual people view modern society as hypersexual. This view can cause someone without sexual interest to feel abnormal and “othered.” One of her participants shared the challenges of dating as an asexual, noting that “hookup culture” is unavoidable, a view that can make dating difficult, for example, for a man who does not prioritize sexual activity within a relationship.

Many people share this view of societal oversexualization, when they would rather move more slowly in matters of the heart, building a quality relationship of trust and emotion intimacy with a prospective paramour without focusing on the physical. While Higginbottom’s study demonstrates some of the complexities about how asexual people perceive and experience modern dating and relationships, illustrating the diversity of the asexual experience, it also illustrates the diversity of viewpoint within the broader dating population.

One thing all daters can learn from the approach of some asexually oriented individuals, is the value of getting to know a prospective partner as a person first. Within romance and relationships, playing the long game often results in long-term gains.