Friendly or Flirting: How Men Can Tell

Source: Sanneburg Shutterstock

You are meeting people at a party with friends, delighted to be making new acquaintances. You are also single and wouldn’t mind meeting someone special. At the same time, you want to be careful not to give anyone the wrong impression or create unrealistic expectations with people you meet. Choosing words and conversation topics carefully ensures you make a good impression as being gracious, kind, and friendly. But according to research, it is your smile that may give you away.

Flirting or Friendly?

Parnia Haj-Mohamadi et al. (2021) researched the facial cues women give to men to indicate interest and the impact these have on men.[i] They found that across six studies, men were able to recognize female facial expressions as flirting. Flirtatious expressions included a slight smile, head turned to one side and slightly tilted down, and eyes on the prize (the target). They also noted that flirtatious facial expressions, compared to expressions that were happy or neutral, resulted in men being able to identify sex words faster.

Haj-Mohamadi et al. explained that in addition to the facial characteristics, the pictures men identified also involved minor body turns. They opined that the fact that men consistently identified a particular type of expression as flirting suggests such nonverbal display is part of a behavioral evolution designed to facilitate relationship initiation.

In addition, some expressions are more obviously flirting than others. Haj-Mohamadi et al. describe low recognition expressions as too ambiguous, resulting in men being unable to label the expression as conveying anything definite, or labeling it as appearing “too happy” or looking just friendly. This means that potentially flirtatious expressions that are too subtle may be seen as flirting only by men with a low threshold for perceiving potential romantic interest (a finding that concerns those of us who prosecute stalkers for a living). On the other hand, expressions demonstrating too much of one cue, such as smiling, may be interpreted as happiness, instead of being recognized as courtship-related.

Haj-Mohamadi et al. conclude that flirtatious facial expressions are both subtle and ambiguous, affording women the opportunity to express potential interest while maintaining a “buffer of safety.” Men recognize this subtlety, and their ability to distinguish flirtatious expressions from merely happy ones allows them to respond faster to flirting females, perceiving an invitation to spark a relationship. We hope the opposite is true as well, which would help prevent instances of unwanted pursuit.

Friends First

Relationship research is best interpreted against a broader backdrop of healthy relationship development. Romantic interest is a spark, not a springboard to jumping into a new relationship too quickly. Relational quality is developed through inner qualities such as kindness, compassion, trust, respect, admiration, acceptance, and many other attributes we don’t wear on our sleeves, or our faces. Taking the time to get to know someone new is the best investment we can make in cultivating healthy, happy pairings.