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What is happiness and why is it so elusive? I will start with what it is not. Happiness is not contentment; it’s more than that. Happiness is not pleasure (an acute state that is pleasing); it’s more than that, too. Descriptors such as joy, delight, blissfulness, and jubilation better capture the essence of happiness in that they suggest a greater enthusiasm or dynamism.
What does happiness look like? Often, it’s a certain smile. Perhaps it’s a shout. Have you ever seen any of the Peanuts cartoons or movies wherein Snoopy does his “happy dance”? Now that is happy.
Three Facets of Happiness: Protection, Destination, Joy
I believe there are three facets to happiness: protection, destination, and joy. Happiness can be elusive for many reasons, but I believe it becomes far more attainable when you realize that two of the three facets of happiness are actually illusions. They are barriers that must be overcome.
Let’s start with protection. Human beings are created with an innate drive for self-protection. It is a survival mechanism. While most have heard of the famous “fight or flight” response, many may not have heard of the “negativity bias.” The majority of people are neurologically wired to be negative. This is called the “negativity bias.” Unhappy experiences are encoded in the brain far more rapidly than are happy experiences. Psychologically, in any given moment, the glass is seen as “half empty.” This in-the-moment interpretation bias is part of our innate survival mechanism.
Similarly, the majority of people are pessimists as they look to the future. They tend to interpret the world as it unfolds through a pessimistic lens, anticipating the worst in the future. This, too, is likely a survival mechanism wherein they anticipate threats, prepare for threats, and quickly dismiss many of the positive aspects of life.
Sadly, this self-protection mechanism often prevents us from taking the risks that are sometimes necessary to attain happiness, especially the risks of failure or interpersonal rejection. Those who possess this approach to life frequently deny that they are negative or pessimistic; rather, they see themselves are realists. They see their actions as attempts to control a potentially threatening environment.
While the sense of safety that may be conveyed by psychological self-protection can be important, it should not be confused with happiness. In fact, it can rob you of ever attaining happiness. So rather than fall prey to this illusion, simply remember that anything worth having is worth failing for.
How many times in your life have you thought if only you could only achieve a certain tangible goal or “destination,” you would be truly happy—but then you become dismayed when you finally achieve that goal and discover the long-anticipated sense of happiness is fleeting at best and most often remarkably disappointing? As a result, you change destinations and start out once again in pursuit of a different academic degree, a new job, a travel destination, a new home, even a new relationship.
This is the destination illusion. The belief that happiness is just a “destination” away is a trap, sometimes called “the grass is greener on the other side” trap, that many fall into. By embracing that illusion, you surrender your happiness to events outside of your control. Your happiness then falls into the hands of some person or process that may not know you or may not care about your happiness. It could be an admissions committee, a promotions panel, the economy, or merely another person.
“Destinations” can be very important aspects of life, but they should not be confused with happiness. In fact, they can set you on “a fool’s errand” that keeps you from ever attaining happiness. So rather than fall prey to this illusion, simply remember the aphorism that life is a journey, not a destination. The journey has milestones and each represents an opportunity to continue your journey or simply advance in another direction. On such a journey, you can never fail.
We have discussed two of the three facets of happiness. I have suggested they are illusions, barriers to attaining true happiness. So, what is the third and final facet of happiness? I referred to it as joy. Some say it is the connection to others. Human beings are neurologically wired to form social relationships. Some say it is self-acceptance. If you are unable to accept yourself, it is difficult to accept anything or anybody else. Some say it is love.
I do not believe there is one universal truth, one universal key to happiness. Rather, the answer will most likely be different for different people, but of two things I am sure: 1) you will know it when it occurs, and 2) until you let go of the other two facets, you will likely never find the joy of true happiness.
George S. Everly, Jr., Ph.D. © 2021
