3 Approaches for Leaders to Cultivate Positive Relationships

This is part five of a five-part series.

Feelings of loneliness and isolation have been rising in the workplace. Simultaneously, it’s becoming increasingly important to have a best friend at work in recent years since the pandemic. However, sadly, only about 20 percent do, according to Gallup. These results highlight the disconnect between workers valuing professional connections and not knowing how to cultivate them.

Experiencing loneliness at work tends to be heightened in leadership, where the role of being a leader itself brings additional barriers to building relationships. In reality, there is a limit to the level of transparency leaders can display. Leaders can’t be completely open with their colleagues, team, or own leader. At times, leaders can feel like the weight of the business is on their shoulders.

Unfortunately, leaders aren’t often aware that loneliness at work drains their energy and worsens their entire work experience, from their well-being to their performance.

In a recent study, I uncovered the top five drains to a CEO’s energy, which apply to all leaders. Through a series of five posts, I’ve been exploring what’s behind each drain and how leaders can overcome them to lead at their best.

The four previous posts focused on:

1. Leaders feeling a loss of control over their day and schedule
2. The drain of emotional labor in leadership
3. Dealing with the impact of others’ negative and unproductive mindsets
4. Leaders repressing or differing their own needs, which is called self-control

This fifth and final post focuses on the energy drain of loneliness in leadership and how leaders can overcome it by fostering high-quality relationships.

Overview of High-Quality Relationships

I discovered that the top approach CEOs use to encourage their well-being is nurturing high-quality relationships. While these findings show the importance of relationships, there is still a lack of understanding about what high-quality relationships are and how to promote them.

To start, it’s important to recognize not all relationships are equal. Relationships fall on a continuum, with three main distinctions:

• High quality: consistently energizing
• Neutral: usually not raising or draining one’s energy
• Low quality: consistently depleting

How do you know what relationships are high-quality? Begin by noticing how you feel after you interact with someone. When you feel energized, you are experiencing a high-quality connection.

High-quality relationships have the greatest impact on leadership and life, rising above neutral or low-quality ones. In the workplace, they are essential for creating a healthy and productive environment, leading to increased well-being, higher work performance, and more positive connections.

In life, positive relationships are the most important factor for living a healthy, happy, and long life, according to an 85-year longitudinal Harvard study on happiness. The profound results of this study speak to the fact that people are wired for connection and love. It’s core to who we are as human beings and it matters.

High-quality connections consist of six elements:

• Mutual trust: Each person anticipates the other is going to act in a way that cares for them as a human being.
• Engagement: Both people are present and engaged.
• Positive regard: There is mutual respect and appreciation for one another.
• Emotional capacity: Each person has the space to hold space for each other.
• Resiliency: We can face different challenges and bounce back and grow from them.
• Growth: We can grow stronger in our relationship.

Understanding high-quality connections is the first step to cultivating them.

3 Approaches to Cultivate Positive Relationships

1. Expand your awareness of the relationships around you.

Consider the relationships around you in work and personally. Assess each relationship based on the energy scale:

• What relationships give you energy?
• What relationships deplete you?
• What relationships feel neutral?

Leadership Essential Reads

Political Leaders and Cults: Why Do They Drink the Kool Aid?

Self-Oriented Versus Other-Oriented Leadership

Reflect on when and why you consistently feel energized, neutral, or drained after interacting with each person. Next, assess your relationships based on the six elements of high-quality connections. Most nourishing relationships include all elements.

Once you develop awareness about the high-quality relationships you already have—the ones that bring you joy and energize you—it’s important to not take them for granted. Appreciate and foster your high-quality personal and professional relationships, including work, family, significant other, and friends, on an ongoing basis.

2. Build positive work relationships.

During the work day, intentionally find opportunities to connect with important work relationships, including co-working, having a walking meeting, or meeting for lunch. Find external peer groups to create support and connection with those who have similar roles.

Many types of workplace relationships can be energizing; it’s important to consider professional relationships broadly. Three themes emerged from my research of common types of workplace interactions leaders found energizing:

• Have trusted relationships in the workplace.
• Interact and connect with your team, particularly by supporting their development.
• Spend time with frontline workers in person.

Consider what workplace interactions give you energy.

3. Build positive personal relationships.

I often hear from executives that the relationship area they focus on the least is friendships outside of work. They feel like they don’t have time for people outside of work. Feelings of loneliness personally do negatively impact someone’s life overall, including at work.

To build positive personal relationships starts with prioritizing them and realizing they are important.

Intentionally make time to connect with positive relationships in your personal life, such as for a meal, an activity, or a phone call. Say yes to invitations, even if you don’t feel like going.

Reflection: What’s one relationship you want to give attention to? What’s one action you could take to invest in the relationship more?

As I’ve shared throughout the past five posts, leaders experience several hidden psychological mechanisms and drains that are depleting. Many leaders don’t know why they feel drained and what they can do about it. By becoming conscious of the drains, leaders can learn how to regulate their inner resources to refill their energy and overcome them. This results in leaders tapping into leading from their full potential.