The Best Way to Connect With Others

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When you engage in conversations, you probably want something to happen. You might want people to change their minds about a topic, demonstrate how much they like or respect you, or possibly, hope they will agree to do something with you or on their own.

Most of your interactions focus on what you want people to do.

When people feel you desire to change them or provoke them, they may resist you and feel they must argue or back away from the interaction. They may not trust your intentions even when you want to help. They may have to explain themselves or point out what you don’t understand.

Before people will openly engage with you, you first need to focus on how you want them to feel.

Why is an emotional connection important?

People need to feel you are open to what they want to say and that you are interested in understanding, accepting, and possibly assisting them. Most importantly, they need to feel safe, knowing you won’t negatively judge their words.

The quality of the connection is the best predictor of a positive outcome.

Making an emotional connection

Before you enter the conversation, choose one or two emotions you want the other person to feel. Whatever you want them to feel — relaxed, respected, cared for, supported, welcomed, or safe — you should intentionally feel relaxed, respectful, caring, supportive, welcoming, or accepting. Only choose one or two emotions to feel to keep this process simple. Even if they stop you in the hallway, quickly consider the positive emotions you want to convey.

Choose how you want to feel before you engage in the conversation. Inhale this emotion into your body so you fully and genuinely feel it.

If you get irritated or anxious during the conversation, pause and take a breath so you can remind yourself of what you chose to feel. The quicker you notice you have lost your emotional intention, the quicker you can revert to your desired emotional state without breaking their trust.

Will trust and rapport be immediate?

If the person you are with doesn’t regard you as a friend or colleague, they may need time to feel fully safe to say what it is on their mind. Stay open and patient. Summarize what they shared with you so they feel you are listening. Even if they share an opinion or perspective you don’t agree with, ask if you can share what you think they are telling you before you ask if you can share your point of view.

Developing Emotional Awareness

Creating an instant emotional connection is a skill that could take time to develop. You must first practice being aware of your emotional state at various times of the day in both comfortable and uncomfortable situations. Start by setting an alarm on your phone to alert you three times a day to remind you to assess how you are feeling. Continue this exercise until you start to check in automatically throughout the day.

Even when you develop your emotional awareness, the more anxious, overwhelmed, or irritated you feel in the moment, the harder it will be to remember to pause and breathe in a desired emotional state. This exercise of emotional intelligence is an ongoing developmental practice.

Ultimately, all conversations are affected by emotions. Creating a good connection and then leaving people you talk to feeling the experience was positive relies on the emotional intention you bring to the conversation.