From Overwhelmed to Empowered

I am a white man. That comes with privilege. I am aware of it. I have thought a lot about this package deal, and I speak about it with my friends and colleagues.

I grew up in an intact family with a plentitude of resources. As a therapist who knows about people’s experiences growing up, I appreciate that what I was provided with is beyond most. I was fortunate. I never rebelled against my background; instead, I enjoyed what I had been given.

In my profession, I motivate others by speaking about toxic masculinity, and I educate people about how minority LGBTQ+ people face additional discrimination, and I share messages of hope and acceptance. My overarching hope is that there eventually will be a shift in others’ perceptions.

And…I have always known that there is more that I can do with regard to racial injustice. I know the duality that lives in me: on one hand attuned, interested, and attentive, but also aware that I haven’t been as proactive as I could. Yes, to not be racist is different from being an anti-racist.

With the death of George Floyd and other police brutalities that exemplify systemic racism in our nation, I felt a discomfort inside my own body. It was not only that I was horrified by what I saw, but that it was something I felt. Myriad feelings that were difficult to name included heaviness and grief that I hadn’t yet figured out.

On the day of Mr. Floyd’s murder, my psychotherapy clients shared their own shock and horror. This was a comfort to me on a personal level. I wasn’t alone.

Through my lens of privilege, I had many questions. Instead of just reading The New York Times or looking at my social media links of like-minded so-called liberal people, I needed more guidance to help decipher some things I felt uncertain about. I wanted the opinions of the people I respect and know best.

I decided to take the risk, and I picked up the phone and checked in with a black female friend to ask my questions. I left the message on her voicemail. I feared her response, but rested in the fact that over the years we had discussed many aspects of life, including race, hierarchy, privilege, masculinity, oppression, and our flawed system of capitalism.

The friend I chose is an activist black woman whom I know would challenge my assumptions and not let me get away with lazy thinking. I wanted to hear from her because I respect her and I learn so much from her.

Her response didn’t necessarily surprise me but boy, did it rattle me. She was emphatic and challenged me on my privilege, my questions, my naiveté — and she told me exactly what I needed to do more of. Not only is she a friend who was personally disappointed and frustrated with me, but her voice on my voicemail also spoke what I knew and didn’t want to know — that I hadn’t done enough, wasn’t doing enough to change the narrative moving forward. I get it now.

I was struck by how much shame I was feeling. I called back and thanked her for her push, trying not to be defensive. And I slowly figured out what my shame was about. I recognized that I was one of those privileged white men that people were complaining about throughout social media. Yes, I see myself as liberal and open-minded. Yes, I advocate for people’s well-being. And, yes, there is so much more to do.

I realized that I need to challenge myself beyond my base of experiences. Part of the heaviness I was experiencing is knowing just how big this challenge is. I do not have a set of blueprints. Even though the time for change is now, I was recognizing that I need more time to understand the complexities involved in my own shift.

Reading mandates on social media doesn’t always help. Like many others, I have insecurities about being good enough or smart enough, and I really get that I have not understood the manifestations and consequences of racism fully. I have often become tangled up in my own self-focused nervousness about saying the right things in the right ways.

Embarrassment Essential Reads

3 Ways to Cope with Cringe Attacks

Humiliations Galore: Surviving, Perhaps Thriving?

In the aftermath of Mr. Floyd’s death and the ensuing protests, I spent the next several days reading as much as I could, talking to others, listening, and educating myself. There was and continues to be so much information that it is overwhelming.

One of my white clients described his personal pain and confusion. He said that in order to cope, he went off all social media platforms to protect himself from the onslaught of messages that were damaging to him. What I said to him actually came as a relief to me since I was feeling some of the same things (physician heal thyself). I told him that perhaps in this moment more than anything else, he needed to access an awareness inside of himself.

We live in a world where we are constantly told how to think, how not to think, what to say, what not to say, what to ask, what not to ask, and more. Without a well-developed internal compass, we are susceptible to overwhelm and then withdrawal, cocooned inside our feelings of shame and not-enoughness. We need to become more aware so we can be more educated, more open, more discerning and so our own beliefs aren’t tied so tightly to our historical blindspots.

My client’s face softened as I talked about reconnecting inside. He was grateful to hear that there wasn’t one “right” approach and that taking an internal inventory was going to be what informed his own personal right approach. I knew that I needed to take the same advice myself. We need to turn inward first. Then we face out again.

Shame doesn’t encourage growth. The idea of starting where the client is — something I learned in my social work education — is essential here. For change to occur, we to need understand where we are in the here and now.

I am certain that my client’s relief gave him the space to make the transition from being overwhelmed to taking action. Rather than following instructions on how not to be a racist man, he can begin to know what that means from within. Shame is often paralyzing and actually cuts us off from the possibility of new action. And, yes, I promise myself and the society in which I live that I will continue to do more.

If you are white and aren’t sure exactly what to do now or do next, explore how you have been raised, how you think, and what you might do in your daily life to promote more inclusivity and equity. Reading the books and articles that reflect the brilliance and experience of people of color is a start. But what else do you want to do?

Ask, listen, and evaluate where you are now. Ask yourself, What have I postponed? There are simple things we can do, things that if we all do, can change the direction of society: Learn about racial injustices throughout history and the oppression of black people; speak with black people to become more aware of their experiences; confront rather than turn away from the stories of everyday cruelty in our society; shop at black-owned stores; become educated about redlining and other ingredients of systemic racism; support a range of artistic expression; contact the people who represent you in government and make your thoughts known; vote out exclusion and bigotry. We can engage in important conversations, and we can turn inward to find what matters to us and then act in heartfelt ways big and small.

So, take this opportunity to designate and commit yourself to specific steps in your personalized plan. Decide what you will read, what you will watch, how you will access the information that you need so you can continue to grow. Make a list of some of the ways that you can motivate and encourage yourself, some of the people who will help you stretch, and how you will keep expanding over time. Start where you are, and promise yourself to move forward. Individual input joining with the input of others becomes a collective movement.

It feels good to speak honestly and not expertly about race and about my own pockets of uncertainty. The changes I make will be deep and enduring because they will emerge from inside and then resonate with the openings that come with what’s next. I am relieved, excited, and still unsure. This is where I am starting. How about you?