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People-Pleasing
Hypervigilance Around Other People’s Emotions and Needs
How relational trauma can predispose you to people-pleasing behavior.
Updated September 19, 2024 Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
Key points
- Trauma can negatively impact a person’s ability to discern between actual threat versus hypervigilance.
- An unpredictable environment may become a precursor to “people-pleasing” behavior.
- An established pattern of people-pleasing often generalizes to their romantic relationships.
Trauma can negatively impact a person’s ability to cope and to discern between actual threats of danger versus re-experiencing the effects of the prior trauma, including symptoms of hypervigilance. The reality is that approximately 70% of people worldwide will experience a traumatic event in their lifetime. However, a smaller number of approximately 5.6% of these people will go on to develop symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)1. On average, 3.9% of people in the word’s population will experience a diagnosis of PTSD within their lifetime. Of these statistics, it is reported that up to 43% of children will experience a traumatic event in their childhood, with girls being more at risk than boys.
Hypervigilance is defined as a heightened state of arousal where a person scans their environment excessively on the lookout for perceived danger as a way of proactively protecting themselves. For many, this can generalize to scanning for changes in other people’s moods or facial expressions for the first sign of danger. For a child who has experienced chronic relational trauma, becoming hypervigilant can be based on survival. Some may learn to watch for subtleties in their caregiver’s mood changing, such as changes in vocal tone, eye gaze, or furrowed brow.
Growing up in an unpredictable environment is perhaps one of the biggest predictors of developing hypervigilant behavior and feeling stuck in a flight trauma response. Unpredictable environments are where a child does not know which “version” of their parent or caregiver they may get from day-to-day. A caregiver’s behavior may be erratic due to mental health challenges, or their mood may fluctuate based on substance use. A child can become overly aware of the nuances in their caregiver, including subtle changes in how their caregiver is acting, or changes in their emotions.
People-Pleasing Behavior
An unpredictable environment may additionally become a precursor to “people-pleasing” behavior, or developing a “fawn” trauma response. For example, if a child experiences chronic emotional neglect due to a caregiver’s mental health (i.e. living with borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, or major depression), the child may initially become hypervigilant looking for the first signs that their caregiver’s mood is shifting or that their mental health is deteriorating. In more severe situations, this may lead to a pattern of parentification.
They may watch for whether their parent is neglecting their own self-care, is not eating properly, or is becoming emotionally dysregulated. In essence, the child can be learning to pair their caregiver’s unpredictable behavior with what may be expected to fix the situation. In time, they may learn to develop a fawn response, or “people-pleasing” behavior by offering their caregiver food, helping them with self-care, or turning on their parent’s favorite show to try and make them feel more comfortable.
When this type of behavior becomes patterned, it can lead to people-pleasing where the child feels they are responsible for tending to their caregiver’s needs while pushing their own needs aside. This is done to help them feel more secure and safe, especially if their home environment is unsafe and unpredictable. However, an established pattern of people-pleasing behavior often generalizes to their adult lives where their romantic relationships and autonomy are negatively impacted.
For example, they may find themselves in a pattern of one-sided romantic relationships with narcissistic or emotionally unavailable partners where they try harder and harder to establish a connection that is not there. Or, they may struggle with shaky boundaries where their basic needs are overstepped or ignored. Ultimately, they can become more out of touch with who they are, in an attempt to be seen as perfect (and loved) by their partner.
Breaking the Pattern of People-Pleasing
Explore Whether (or How) Trauma May Be Influencing Your Behavior
When examining a pattern of people-pleasing behavior, it is important to explore any traumatic experiences that may have shaped how you approach situations or relationships. Many with histories of profound trauma (especially early relational trauma) have learned people-pleasing behavior as a survival mechanism.
Recognize Where You May Have Unmet Needs
Most people with patterns of people-pleasing behavior also have histories of experiencing unpredictable environments that may have compromised their ability to feel safe. It is important to address where your safety needs may be lacking and to learn new skills that promote autonomy and a sense of feeling more secure.
Establish and Maintain Your Personal Boundaries
Those with a history of people-pleasing behavior often have shaky boundaries where they ignore or downplay their own needs in order to put others’ needs ahead of their own. This reinforces a pattern of people-pleasing behavior. It is important to recognize your motivations for people-pleasing, as well as learning how to establish your own physical, emotional, and psychological boundaries.
References
Charlson F., et al. (2019. New WHO prevalence estimates of mental disorders in conflict settings: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Lancet, 394(10194):240–248.
