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Narcissism
What Should I Do If I Run into My Narcissistic Ex?
Here are some tips to make the encounter easier.
Posted September 12, 2022 Reviewed by Kaja Perina
Key points
- Accidently running into your narcissistic ex can be very anxiety provoking.
- It can be helpful to decide in advance how you want to handle this situation if it happens.
- What you decide to do depends on whether you are afraid of him, angry at him, miss him, are over him, or want to hurt him.
- Your safest option is to say "hi" and move on without stopping to talk to him.
Let’s imagine that you are out running errands or at a friend’s party and suddenly you find yourself face-to-face with your narcissistic ex-boyfriend. You are startled and not certain how to react. Alternatives flash through your mind:
- Do I pretend I don’t see him?
- Do I say a brief “hello” and move away quickly?
- Do I make a point of snubbing him?
- Do I use this opportunity to tell him that he is a miserable excuse for a human being?
- Do I pretend I am happy and that nothing he did was important enough to hurt me?
- If he wants to talk, do I try and have a normal conversation with him?
- What do I do if he flirts with me?
- Do I flirt with him to see how he will respond?
- If he is with a date, do I warn her about him?
Most of us have mixed feelings about our former lovers and mates, no matter what their diagnosis. We liked them a great deal in the beginning of the relationship and by the end we were both deeply unhappy with each other. One of us was unhappy enough to break it off. Now, some time has passed without contact and it can be hard to decide what message to send when we unexpectedly meet again.
How you deal with running into your narcissistic ex-boyfriend depends on five basic things:
- How did your relationship end?
- Do you want him back?
- Do you want to normalize things so that he becomes just another person you know?
- Are you looking for closure?
- Do you want to punish him?
Note: I am using the terms narcissist, narcissistic, and NPD as shorthand ways to refer to someone who qualifies for a full diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. And, although I am writing about a male ex-boyfriend, my advice applies equally well to female exes or other genders.
How did your relationship end?
If your ex actually qualifies for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, the end of your relationship was likely to have been very unpleasant for you. The same person who in the beginning of the relationship said he loved you and treated you like a precious jewel, ended up devaluing you. He also may have publicly humiliated you and cheated on you with other women.
If this is your situation, you may not feel comfortable interacting with him at all. If you see him, you might want to walk in the other direction. It may still be too painful for you to talk with him as if nothing serious happened between you.
Do you want to normalize things between you?
Some people would prefer to be able to say “hi” and keep things light. If this is you, I suggest doing just that. Then the ball is in his court to think of something to say to you. If you were introduced to his family, you can ask how they are doing.
Basically, this tactic involves acting as if you are fine and just want to be civil when you happen to meet. Essentially, you are acting nonchalant and pretending to be over him.
Do you want to punish him?
If you are still hurt and angry, you may want to retaliate and punish him. It is up to you how to do this. You probably know his secrets and exactly what would hurt him the most. You could ignore him, say something that publicly embarrasses him, or act indifferent.
Just be aware, that attempting to punish him can backfire and make him want to retaliate. Then things could get even uglier and more emotional.
You could go “Gray Rock.”
“Gray rock” is a slang term for making yourself so boring that your ex gets no satisfaction from speaking with you. You act as uninteresting and unmovable as a gray rock. You give brief or boring answers to his questions, and keep this up until he gives up trying to talk to you.
Going “gray rock” gives a clear signal that you do not want to engage with him and are not willing to put yourself out to even pretend to be interested in conversing with him. Narcissists usually find “gray rock” frustrating.
What if he flirts with me?
Unless you want to restart the relationship, go “gray rock.” Don’t respond. Pretend you do not notice. Then walk away and leave him standing there.
Summary
Your best strategy is the one that safeguards your feelings, and feels relatively easy for you to do. He no longer has real power over you. The relationship is over, so you might as well do whatever you want: ignore him, ask him questions, tell him what you think of him, or pretend that you now find him boring.
Adapted from a Quora post.
