Why Go to Therapy When You Can Trauma Dump?

Venting to your friends about your life can be cathartic, promote insight, and give you an opportunity to look at events from a fresh perspective. Sharing difficult emotions can foster connection and alleviate loneliness. Telling the story of how your in-laws drove you up the wall could help you release frustration while also deepening your bond with your friend, who also has similar experiences with their in-laws.

However, there is a fine line between healthy vulnerability and trauma dumping.

When sharing emotions or difficult life experiences, it is important to make sure that the person you are talking with is willing to listen and that these conversations are consensual. It is also important that the personal information you are disclosing matches the closeness and level of trust in the relationship. For instance, if you are sharing your dissatisfaction with your sex life with a colleague during a casual lunch meeting, they may feel uncomfortable and experience the conversation as being forced upon them. Depending on the relationship hierarchy, they might have difficulty setting boundaries and, therefore, feel stuck or even harassed.

Your friend isn't your therapist.

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Supporting one another through challenging times has great benefit to our psyche; however, it is important to consider balance. The intention of sharing is to unburden ourselves from difficult emotions, but we must be careful not to overburden our loved ones. There might be certain periods where one person gets more airtime. For example, if your friend is going through a divorce, it would make sense for the conversations to revolve around them for a while.

In friendships, reciprocity of support, compassion, and respect, regardless of what is happening in life, is key. Crossing boundaries by oversharing or taking up too much space could potentially strain relationships and cause your friends to limit their interactions with you.

How do I know if I am trauma dumping?

Ask yourself if your friend also got a chance to share their own feelings or experiences.

Do your friends seem overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed during these conversations with you? Or are they able to offer genuine compassion and support?

Did you take all the time talking about your boss? Or did your friend get a chance to vent about their life, too?

Were you open to hear their perspective and take their advice? Or did you repeatedly complain about the same thing over and over again without considering any option that might lead to a resolution?

Are you talking a lot more than your friend? Are you getting any relief from these conversations? Did you ask for permission to talk about something so personal?

If your friend seems uncomfortable or tense during these conversations, you might be oversharing. If your friend is reaching out to you less or making excuses to cut the conversations short, you might be crossing their boundaries. If they are not talking to you about events in their own life, you might not be giving them space to do so.

An unconscious reason behind dumping one’s pent-up emotions onto someone else might be due to unprocessed trauma. Not only is this exhausting to our loved ones, but it can even be damaging to you.

Trauma dumping could be a maladaptive way of trying to resolve difficult events or challenging dynamics; however, as you are telling the story, you might feel like you are reliving the experience. If the person you are sharing with is not equipped to guide you, this could lead to re-traumatization.

Trauma dumping can lead to your friends withdrawing from you, which can leave you feeling abandoned and lower your self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

So, what do I do?

1. Seek community.

Don’t keep your trauma to yourself. Find trusted people to talk about what you are going through and make sure these conversations are consensual. You can check in with your listener by asking, “Is it OK if I tell you about some challenges I am having with my daughter?”

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Joining a support group with people who are dealing with similar challenges will reduce feelings of alienation, as well as allow you to have the experience of receiving support while supporting others.

2. Find healthy ways to express your emotions.

Journaling, meditating, and creative outlets such as painting, playing music, or other forms of art are all valuable ways of releasing emotions.

Mindfulness and self-compassion practices are constructive ways of making meaning of your trauma, identifying your triggers, and learning how to regulate your emotions.

3. Take care of your body.

Incorporating healthy eating, sleeping, and exercise will promote physical well-being and, in turn, will have great benefits on your mental health as well.

Calming your nervous system by spending time in nature, taking long baths, or listening to music are effective strategies to self-soothe and regulate your emotions.

4. Seek professional help.

We all have parts of ourselves we dislike, stories we prefer not to tell, and feelings we would rather not feel. The more we try to avoid the darker elements of our identity, the more power they hold over us. They can manifest as psychosomatic symptoms, social problems, poor academic or employment performance, legal issues, depression, anxiety, physical illness, and being prone to accidents. Therapy gives us the opportunity to face our shadow side in a safe space.

A therapist can help you with your crisis by offering resources and referrals to address specific challenges. The therapeutic journey will allow you to express the emotions attached to traumatic events and help you learn new ways of approaching challenging situations.

Exploring family dynamics and understanding our early attachment styles in therapy allows us to recognize the vicious cycles we keep finding ourselves in and examine the repeating narratives that prevent us from living our lives to their fullest potential in connection with others.

Unlike friendships, therapeutic relationships are unconditional. You are not responsible for navigating your therapist’s feelings and are not required to hold space for their personal struggles. The therapeutic relationship within itself is a healing tool where you are met with genuine acceptance, consistency, and compassion. The therapeutic process intends to foster a sense of trust and cultivate secure ways of relating to another, which, over time, will transfer outside of the therapeutic setting.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.