Understanding Twin Fighting

Twins are born married, sharing their psychological and physical attachment. Measuring themselves against each other is a natural and normal way of defining each twin as unique. Parents start the measurement dialogue. Who is calmer? Who is bigger? Who sleeps better? Who finishes eating first? Who is smarter and who is better-looking, prettiest, has the best smile, the personality of a princess?

These questions are among the most common comparisons that parents and onlookers ask about, which (unknowingly) begins the competition of every twinship.

Raising twins to be content with how they are different from one another is an extremely difficult task that will take time and attention to how each of your children reacts to their co-twin and others. There are no easy answers or recipes for making each of your twins feel unique. When you are able to see each child for themselves and embrace their singularity, they will learn that they are different and it is normal to be different. Fighting and competition will be lessened significantly.

Developing individuality is the most crucial aspect of parenting as it directs healthy motivation to learn and to develop emotional balance and social skills. Language development and separation anxiety are minimized when twins can be involved in their own distinct activities that are not shared. Overall mental well-being is strengthened when twins are engaged in different activities and with different friends. Social skills and friendships with other children grow naturally.

As I say this to parents I realize that some of you will find that your children may not want to do separate activities because they are so used to being with each other. But don’t give up on finding something that is interesting for one child and the other child could care less about. For example, maybe one twin likes a special book and her sister or brother thinks it is boring. Go with this difference by showing pride in each of their interests. More and different interests will emerge as they try new activities without each other. If at first, they are unsure of themselves or fearful without their twin, use encouragement to keep them trying to be comfortable in new and separate activities.

The most serious issue between twins is competition. It makes sense to reduce the amount of time twins spend with one another doing the same things and playing compare and contrast. “You got more cookies than I did.” “No, you are so fat that you shouldn’t even want cookies. I am helping you fit into your leotard.” In my experiences with twins, the worst of all times is when they are together for too long because fighting really does get out of control.

Twins need to get rid of twin energy and double trouble productively. Sports, artistic activities, and music are perfect activities for twins and their challenged parents. First, children will come home tired. Next, they will be making new friends and learning new things on their own. And best of all, your twins will learn to be separate and have fun with new people.

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