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Twins agree. It is hard and confusing to be a twin in a non-twin world. Explaining why is it hard for twins to survive and then thrive with others who have not shared their parents and early life experiences is like explaining how fish feel out of their fishbowl, lake, or ocean. So why am I trying to explain this phenomenon? At this particular time, I have two reasons.
- I am a psychologist who works with twins who want to understand what motivates them to move forward in their lives. The first goal of self-knowledge is understanding that twins have different expectations for others than non-twins. Twins long for intimacy and understanding and sharing, while non-twins don’t value closeness to the extent that twins do, until later in life.
- Feeling like a misfit and being misunderstood by the non-twin world is emotionally painful. Eventually, misunderstanding will lead to self-doubt and a lack of self-confidence for a twin.
While twinship is idealized or demonized in life and in art, the lived experience of being a twin has been ignored. I am always amazed when I meet twins who don’t realize that being a twin is a unique developmental experience that affects life decisions and relationships. I have worked with clients who have been through extensive psychotherapy for many, many years and they have not explored the role of their twinship in their life journey. Amazing and astounding to me for sure, the understanding of twin development is almost totally neglected in psychological training.
As a child, being a twin garners a lot of attention and curiosity from onlookers. “Are you twins?” is a predictable question. Twins readily get used to being stared at and being compared silently and loudly about how alike and how different they are. (Fortunately, non-twins don’t experience this kind of attention.) While twins do not necessarily feel joined at the hip, they know that they are a pair and consciously and unconsciously turn to one another for support and advice.
Parents who are enlightened and are successful in raising twins who are independent and still loving will encourage individuality and separate friendships in childhood to begin self-awareness of non-twin interactions. No matter how well-parented twins are, separating from one another is an emotionally driven experience with a great deal of drama. Manageable in childhood, adolescence brings an onslaught of confusing experiences with new relationships. At first, separations are a great relief. Connecting with new friends creates an excitement for twins that is unbelievably intense. From my own teenage years, I remember in detail how attached I felt to my high school boyfriend. Jim would call me on the telephone every weeknight at 7 o’clock. I would wait eagerly for the call—as if my life would end if we did not talk. My brother and sister would tease me that I was certifiably nuts, but I really felt like death was going to arrive if the phone did not ring. Fortunately, he always called and I am still alive to reflect on this aspect of teenage separation.
Not all twins will go through my particular weirdness. But for real, giving up your twin is hard, frightening and demoralizing. Separating from your twin is like being a fish out of water, looking for a pond to swim in. Help is needed from other people who care about you—help from your parents and help from your twin. Separation is a lifelong journey.
After the first go-round of being separate and dealing with non-twins, twins develop coping strategies that range from total avoidance of non-twin friends to an intense need to always be engaged with someone who might be able to replace your twin. Obviously, there are variations to these behaviors that are often unconsciously driven. Young adulthood is a time of meeting new people and being on your own. Loneliness is a problem at this stage of life. In my experience marriage is always a very sad and very happy experience for twins. Spouses or partners can feel confused by the twin relationship and feel marginalized by the twinship.
As time goes on twins find their way with non-twins as they have to in order to live in society.
Adult twins can be good friends and support systems for one another in the face of adversity. Adult twins can replace their twin with someone who treats them like their twin. Relationships that replicate the original twinship emotionally will not last a lifetime. Relationships built on mutuality and dialogue will survive. Unfortunately, some twins as adults cannot find the right connection because being close to other people triggers bad feelings from their past experiences with their twin.
What helps twins deal with the non-twin world is developing a narrative about their experiences. Explain to others what life as a twin is really like. Accomplishing this goal is done with the help of psychotherapy, conversations with other twins, and journaling.
- Psychotherapy to understand twin relationship and new non-twin relationships.
- Talking with other twins about their experiences.
- Developing individual goals.
- Following your own dreams, not your twin’s dreams.
EstrangedTwins.com
