How to Deal With Gift Disappointment

I received the following question from a reader:

Dear Dr. G.,

I am very embarrassed to discuss this with anyone so I am writing to you with the hope that you can explain things to me. This has been a problem that I have been dealing with for years and it is becoming a source of stress for me especially during the holidays.

This is what happens. When I get a Christmas gift from my husband that I don't like I get very upset, disappointed, and even angry. I try my best to hide my feelings but I would like to share what I am truly feeling inside. I feel that if my husband truly knew me, he would get me something that I love. After all, we have been married for over five years. My husband always seems to buy me sweaters and/or jewelry that just don't work for me. They are not exactly my style. I know that my husband cares about me but I am wondering if the gifts indicate a problem in the relationship. I am also wondering if I am overreacting.

Please know that I wait all year for Christmas and this year I was particularly disappointed when I received a gift certificate from my husband. This felt very impersonal. I am hoping that you can help me understand the whole gift situation better.

My response

You are not alone when you describe experiencing disappointment regarding gifts. Unfortunately, expectations about gifts, particularly holiday gifts, have gotten increasingly higher over time as the holidays have become more and more commercialized. While the seasonal focus would ideally be on connection between friends and family members, it has instead become focused on gifts. And this sets people up for disappointment, particularly after waiting an entire year to receive a coveted gift.

First, keep in mind that a gift is not the best measure of love and understanding. A one-time gift is little more than just that. My sense is that your husband has taken note of your reactions to his gifts and was hopeful that a gift certificate would enable you to buy yourself something that you really like. You see, your husband may not be aware of the nuances of your taste and preferences. Individual taste is indeed very nuanced. We all tend to be very particular about exactly what we like although some people are easier to please than others.

Second, I suggest lowering your expectations about gifts. Your husband's behavior on a daily basis is a much better indicator of the state of your relationship. Consider that, and if you believe that your relationship is working on a daily basis, then try to begin placing less emphasis on gifts. Lower your expectations and you will be less likely to feel dejected and irritated when you receive something that is not quite right for you.

My hope is that you can come to place less emphasis on gifts being a measure of love and understanding and try to experience gratitude instead. Express your gratitude and move on. You can always exchange or return the gift, right?