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Dear Dr. G,
I am writing to you because I need some serious help in dealing with my mother. I am constantly dealing with her accusations with wanting to sleep with her 45 year old boyfriend. I am 17-years-old and will be 18 in February. I find it repulsive when she tells me things like this. I have a boyfriend and I have been with him for over a year and I love him more than anything. I know this is love because growing up I didn't feel love very often. When I was younger, I lived with my mother. I got taken away from her by CPS because her boyfriend at the time was molesting me. Let's label him L. She says that he never did anything to me but I am pretty sure that a 4 year old cannot just makeup the fact that someone is touching them. I remember everything he did. My mom did something that kind of repulsed me right after I got taken away. I had a sister that was fathered by that man as well and she got taken away with me. My mother went and married the man who did this to me. My mother was told that she was not supposed to have another child with this man or she will never have the possibility of getting my sister back. What do you know? She had another kid with him but she denied and said she didn't know who the father was. This man later got deported and now she has a new man, lets label him R. This is the man she claims that I want to sleep with. I am repulsed by him. He does drugs, is an alcoholic, sleeps with prostitutes, beats my mother, and does all these horrible things. Yesterday in the night, she asked me that if I was pregnant, would it even be my boyfriends. I told her why wouldn't it be because he is the only person that I have been with. I have values in which I believe it is wrong to cheat or be with someone else if you are in a relationship. I have been nothing but faithful to my boyfriend and we have plans of marriage in our future. Not our near future of course but in our later future. I don't know how to deal with my mother. I have PTSD from what happened to me when I was young and I also have major depression from when I was younger as well. She tells me that I am a disappointment now. I have only been living with her for a year. She received custody last year in early October. Is it wrong that I don't want her in my life anymore? I can say that I am starting to hate her guts. I can't even look at her or be sincere when speaking to her. I am repulsed when she hugs me and I tell her to let go. She has put me through hell in the time that I have been here. She blames me for all her problems. Last night she woke me up at 11:07 p.m. just to tell me that I have caused her a lot of problems and that I am evil. She told me that I am the reason why she is sick. Mind you she is only 31-years-old and she likes to brag to me and my sister of how many men she has been with and that she's cheated and that she's had one night stands. She thinks that I will be like her in that way but I don't believe that those things are right. I would write more but there is just to much to type.
I hope that you can respond.
Thank You so much for your time,
A Scared Teen
Dear Teen,
Firt, I would like to say that I am honored and impressed that you chose to write to me and ask me for my opinion. You have not only been through more than any child should have to go through but you continue to be verbally abused and bullied by your mother. In addition, you are living in an abusive environment and are exposed to much more than any human being should have to be. I am so sorry.
You are absolutely justified in not wanting to live with your mother and in your aversion to being touched by her. You don't trust her and with good reason. Of course you are starting to hate her. She has let you down repeatedly. When you were sexually abused by her boyfriend she did not protect you. Mothers are supposed to protect their children. Your mother unfortunately has made many bad choices in terms of the men she chooses and the way she mothers you. She sees you as a competitor and a rival rather than as a child to be nurtured and supported. Her boundaries are also very problematic.
Your mother's paranoia that you are interested in her boyfriend is frightening and must make you feel helpless, confused and depressed. Clearly, your mother has a lot of issues of her own and needs help. Do you still have a caseworker? If so, contact the caseworker immediately to report what is going on in the home between you and your mom and between your mom and her boyfriend. If you do not have a caseworker then call Child Protective Services in your state and see if they can find another place for you to live. You have been home for a year with a mother who you never really had a chance to bond with in a healthy way. She has betrayed you and continues to destroy the very fiber of your being.
Do everything you can to find a way out and know that your feelings are justified. Also, please find a therapist to talk to. Please let me know the outcome.
Dr. G.
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