Don't Let Being Ghosted Haunt You

Source: Artwork by William Berry

Ghosting is considered “an emerging phenomenon in modern communication” (Navarro, R. et al., 2021). Though the prevalence of ghosting is likely a new phenomenon, it has existed in other forms throughout the history of relationships. Husbands left “to get a pack of cigarettes” and never came back, and certainly people have just left without a word before cigarettes were invented.

Today, though ghosting seems to affect romantic relationships most, it also occurs in the workplace. According to Kristi DePaul at The Harvard Business Review, the most common forms of ghosting at work are recruiters or employers disappearing after an offer has been made, or prospective employees being hired and never reporting to work. She states some employees quit without notice or even a word and cannot be contacted.

On the podcast Invisibilia, a recent episode focused on ghosting friends ("A Friendly Ghost Story"). The host interviews Emily Langan, Ph.D. She reports friendships often end by a fading out, without any conversation about it. She discusses some of her theories, some of which are exclusive to friendships. But one she posits is avoiding conflict, which is likely also applicable to romantic relationship ghosting.

In my work with clients, I have seen the effects of ghosting. As Psychology Today’s Jennice Vilhauer points out, “Ghosting is the ultimate use of the silent treatment, a tactic that has often been viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty.” The renowned marriage researcher John Gottman defined this silent treatment as stonewalling, and considered it one of the Four Horsemen of a marriage being on the rocks (Lisitsa, E. 2013). Clients who have been ghosted discuss the ambiguity they are forced to live with, which can be very unsettling. Many wonder what happened, and why someone would do that.

Early research on differences between those who find ghosting more acceptable and those who do not indicate that there may be differences in implicit theories of relationships. Basically, there are two implicit theories: The destiny mindset views relationships as either going to work or not; the growth mindset views them as able to improve over time through communication and overcoming issues. The study found:

participants with stronger destiny beliefs were more likely to find it socially acceptable to use ghosting to end both short-term and long-term relationships, were less likely to think poorly of a ghoster, reported a higher likelihood of using ghosting in the future, and were more likely to have ghosted or have been ghosted than individuals with weaker destiny beliefs. Growth beliefs showed fewer associations than destiny beliefs with the ghosting measures; however, participants with stronger growth beliefs were less likely to feel that it was acceptable to use ghosting to end a long-term relationship than those with weaker growth beliefs. (Freedman, G., Powell, D. N., Le, B., & Williams, K. D. 2019).

Of course, one trait does not completely explain a behavior. As Navarro, et al. suggest, the phenomenon of ghosting warrants further investigation. Another aspect that may affect whether someone ghosts or not is their response to conflict. When someone wants to end a relationship they have several options. These options range from the healthiest option of direct communication (including harsh truths), to lying (creating false reasons to bring it to an end), to manipulating the other to end it (usually by withdrawing or otherwise acting out), to simply disappearing. For many, ghosting seems like a viable option.

Though it is difficult when one is ghosted, there are ways to grow and move forward. I often speak about the ability to live with ambiguity as a step on the path to enlightenment or self-actualization. Even if I am overreaching, studies of medical students show those who have less tolerance of ambiguity have poorer psychological health in dealing with the stress of medical school (Hancock J, Mattick K., 2020). In other words, being able to deal with being ghosted and never knowing why may be an avenue to psychological health.

In line with living with ambiguity, I work with clients on accepting that even if given reasons, you never really know if the reasons are true. In other words, life really is ambiguous, yet we live with a false security of believing in statements that may or may not be true. If you can accept you never really know, then what is the point of getting excuses? In working with those who have been ghosted, I have tried to help them consider why they believe knowing might be helpful. Often this is a mind trick people play on themselves. The pain of being rejected hurts, and people mistakenly believe knowing will help.

Ghosting Essential Reads

Beyond Ghosting: How to Break Up Compassionately

Ghosting and Cloaking: When Is It OK?

Acceptance is also a vanguard of my interventions. Numerous studies show the psychological benefits of acceptance. To move forward, those ghosted would benefit from accepting this relationship wasn’t going to work. Do you really want to be with someone who left without saying why? They can come to accept it is for the best, and focus on moving on (rather than seeking information as to why it happened).

Ghosting hurts for numerous reasons. The mind may trick one into thinking information will help. But the real key to moving forward is living with ambiguity, accepting reality, and creating positive from it.

Copyright William Berry, 2021.