The Spirituality of Parenting

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For parents, fall can be a particularly anxiety-provoking time. We watch as our kids move on to the next grade and wear bigger clothes. We think back to how little they used to be and feel that they are slipping away from us. We relish the time to finally tackle our to-do lists while simultaneously missing their company and feeling like it's all moving too fast.

One reason it can feel painful to watch our kids grow is that they connect us to a deeper meaning and purpose in life. The act of parenting parallels several spiritual practices, such as:

1. Being present. Having little kids requires lots of watching. We spend hours on playgrounds. We stand around in children’s museums and bounce houses. In these moments of watching, the only thing required of us is to be there. There is no striving, no pushing. In those moments, our presence is enough. We can take a deep breath and be fully in the moment. Parenting, while taxing every single sensory system (e.g., so much noise, so much touch, so many smells), also connects us to the right here, right now. It forces us to live in the immediate.
2. Letting go. After spending most of our lives trying to control ourselves (e.g., our appearance, grades, work performance), parenting throws self-focus out the window. We’re so focused on them that we care less about how we look and what others think of us. In addition, we have to go with the flow of our children’s temperaments and interests. We learn to honor and accommodate these differences, opening us up to honoring and accepting ourselves.
3. Deep connection. Parental love is profound. It creates a cascade of changes in the brain, from surges in oxytocin to activation of brain areas associated with understanding others’ facial expressions, thoughts, and feelings. These brain changes feel great, motivating us to act altruistically and put our children first. They also teach us what it feels like to do work that is saturated in love and connection.

As they grow, we have to pull back and let them do more on their own. While cognitively we understand that it is healthy and right for kids to become autonomous, our heart misses the caretaking acts of love that dominated our lives when our kids were young. We miss being close to them.

We also miss the nonstop engagement parenting requires. We have more downtime to think about things, making room for nostalgia to creep into our thoughts and feelings. We feel emptiness when the greater meaning of childcare doesn't fill our days.

If this season gives you that pang that the kids are another year older, try thinking about things a little differently. Yes, you are not in the trenches of younger child parenting, but those experiences gave you the tools to bring meaning to your life today.

You can practice present-moment awareness in your daily routine. As you support your children’s authenticity and interests, you can also do that for yourself. Being courageously authentic will strengthen and deepen your relationships with friends and loved ones. Finally, continue to reach out and care for others, knowing how good it feels when you do.

Instead of feeling sad that a stage in your life is fading, feel appreciative for how it taught you what is most important in life, and continue to live and love with those principles in mind. And, then, there’s always hoping for grandchildren.