Why Do We Empower Others But Often Belittle Our Partners?

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For over a decade, I've been empowering people all over the world, both in therapy and in workshops, to be bigger and stronger. I celebrate their light, strength, and gifts, and encourage them to bring more of themselves to the world.

It took me several years to realize that I have not been doing this fully within my personal life. It's much easier for me to celebrate people I work with than the closest people in my own life.

Once I got over the shame of this realization, I started discussing it openly and started to see this pattern with the couples I see in the clinic. The couples are initially stunned, but once they understand this is normal and feel they are given permission, they, too, see this pattern in their relationships.

Why do couples do this?

Why is it easier for us to empower others and not the people we love most?

1. You are dependent on your loved one. They are part of your system, so any major change they may undergo will force change on you simply because you are inter-dependent. This dependency can be frightening, especially if you are fearful of change.
2. "Eithor"—a dichotomous core-belief. Either you or me, either I am big or I am small. If my partner is big, then my core belief activates me to be threatened because that means that I am small.
3. A reflected sense of self. Usually, our self-perception is determined by the feedback and perceptions of others. This reflected sense of self is unstable and constantly needs to be maintained or lifted. If you have a reflected sense of self then you will feel better when the people around you are experienced as less than you.

This combination makes it harder to empower your loved ones. People who are not in your intimate system are less threatening because you are not dependent on them, they don’t activate your core beliefs or threaten your sense of self. So, they can be as big as they want and you can openly celebrate them.

How does this manifest in intimate relationships?

I call this the 95/70 rule.

When a couple begins to solidify their relationship, they implicitly and unconsciously divide up who will be better (95%) and who will be worse (70%) in the different categories in their lives: looks, sex, parenting, career, money, social life, talent, and so on. One partner will be experienced as more professionally successful than the other, but that partner will be perceived as the better parent. One is better looking; the other more intelligent.

Usually, the pair divide the categories to create a balance, with each partner excelling in certain dimensions while the other excels in others. And the more one excels in their category, the more their partner will unconsciously belittle them in their weaker category, to maintain balance and maintain the gap without letting it get too big. These silently agreed shifts maintain both partners reflected sense of self and maintain a balance in their relationship. Both partners implicitly sense this historical division and even though they might consciously disagree or deny it, unconsciously they both enable this dichotomy to continue.

More rarely, one partner will be the 95% partner in all the categories, and their partner the 70% (or less). In these cases, there is usually a victim triangle dynamic that locks them both in a poor reflected sense of self, as they rigidly enact the 95/70 “Eithor” core belief to the extreme.

Source: Alexas_Fotos/Pixabay

How do you liberate yourself and your relationship from the 95/70 dance?

1. Reflect to see your version of the 95/70 “Eithor.” Admit to yourself that your sense of self relies on others being less than you. Write down the secondary gains and losses of believing in that "Eithor." See if you are ready to try and soften that core belief.
2. Remind yourself that if you continue to belittle your partner, at the end of the day, that partner will start resenting you. They will blame you for not letting them show their full color to their world.
3. Share this article with your partner so you can normalize this dynamic and lessen the shame of admitting this to them.
4. Say the thing. Verbalize your version of this “Eithor” to yourself and then to your companion. Once the shame dissipates, you will be able to start softening the “Eithor.”
5. Start to empower, celebrate, and compliment your partner. You might have to ”fake it” somewhat in the beginning, but try to see the best in them.
   • If it helps you, try to see them through the eyes of someone who is not their partner. What is amazing about them? What is their superpower?
   • Even if it doesn't come to you naturally, keep searching and verbalizing their gifts.
6. Prepare your partner to be open and to accept this new empowerment from you. They might be suspicious in the beginning. Encourage them to sustain judgment and disbelief. It will take time to soften the 95/70 dynamic.
7. Do not force reciprocal empowerment. Don’t do a quid pro quo exchange. Make the celebration one without expectation, so it can be better received.
8. Expect regressions. It will take blood, sweat, and tears and zillions of regressions back to the old dance for this to change. At times there will be little moments of pure celebration of your partner, and others when it might feel somewhat simulated.
9. Periodically reflect together on your dynamic. How are you doing? Do you better believe your partner’s compliments? Do you feel that the numbers are more equal?

• If it helps you, try to see them through the eyes of someone who is not their partner. What is amazing about them? What is their superpower?
• Even if it doesn't come to you naturally, keep searching and verbalizing their gifts.

Your relationship might never reach a 50/50 balance in every category. There will probably always be one partner who excels in an area. Yet the aim is for a fluid dynamic with a minimal gap between partners across these dimensions.

Like two candles: when one lights the other, its light is not diminished. In fact, they burn more brightly together. Your relationship doesn’t have to be an “Eithor.” You can be big and so can your partner. This is called a differentiated relationship. Yet sometimes for you to see your partner’s and your light, you must first own your shadow, so you can choose differently I believe that we can all soften and change the 95/70 “Eithor.” Deeply empower your partner and see in turn how much you grow.