Miscarriage During the Pandemic

Pregnancy loss is a painfully common and universal experience, yet it is still rarely talked about and pregnancy loss during the pandemic is another topic that has remained largely in the shadows. Miscarriage brings its own set of hellish challenges, obstacles, and pain. Miscarriage during the pandemic further exacerbates this already devastating experience in a number of ways that we are still in the process of encountering.

Each of the challenges listed below would commonly be experienced after a miscarriage such as feeling alone or feeling out of control when it comes to our future, but during the pandemic and quarantine, each of these issues may be intensified to an extreme degree:

• Feeling disempowered and lacking in control: Pregnancy loss is an inherently disempowering experience because it takes away our control over what happens to our bodies and what we wish for our future. Additionally, we then need to follow the medical interventions prescribed following a miscarriage which can include surgery, specifically a dilatation and curettage (D&C). While there is no “good option” following a miscarriage, these options are even more restricted or, at the least, heavily influenced by the pandemic. For example, for many, a D&C is the preferred medical intervention as it allows for the process to not be prolonged. However, during the pandemic, many states have had to ban elective surgeries which the D&C can fall under depending on state ordinances. Thus, women experiencing a miscarriage are then left feeling even less in control of what happens to their bodies as this may have not been a viable option for them in the last few months.
• Lack of safety: Miscarriage can cause us to question our sense of safety as scary and sometimes even dangerous things are happening within our body. Miscarriage during the pandemic can cause us to feel even more unsafe as each time we attend a doctor’s appointment, we worry about potential exposure to the pandemic, not only on ourselves, but those around us well. This lack of safety can then serve to impact the decisions we would make (e.g., I may choose to cancel my follow-up appointment because I am so concerned about the recent spike of covid-19 cases in my community).
• Feeling isolated and disconnected from others: Due the veil of secrecy around pregnancy loss that is still in the process of slowly being lifted, many individuals feel isolated and disconnected from others after their loss as they feel unable or ashamed of sharing their experience. Quarantine then serves to exacerbate this sense of isolation as we are cloistered in our homes and unable to engage in the usual day to day interactions we would have with coworkers, friends, and family members. Even if we did not plan to share our experience of loss with those in our life, the social connections and interactions served as a useful distraction at a time when we need it the most. To add to this sense of isolation, women often have to attend their appointments alone as they are unable to bring their partners in due to safety protocols at hospitals making an already devastating experience even more isolating.
• Lack of distraction: Healthy compartmentalization, in which we allow ourselves to engage in distractions and other activities that have value to us can be incredibly helpful after experiencing a loss. During quarantine, we likely lose out on many of the typical distractions we may engage in such as going to the gym or travelling. While many of us find comfort in our own homes, the lack of distraction can make it harder to focus on anything else apart from our loss.
• Disenfranchised grief: Disenfranchised grief refers to grief that is not readily accepted by society including pregnancy loss and/or infertility. Feeling that our grief is not valid or recognized by others can cause us to doubt the validity of our pain which leads to devastating cycle in which we are not only experiencing grief but are also experiencing guilt or judgment around our grief. Additionally, during this quarantine and during the last year, there have been countless and significant losses to grieve and honor. The impact of this year should not be diminished; however, individuals may weigh their grief over a miscarriage to the other innumerable losses this year and may decide that their grief does not rank “high enough” to merit its own space.

While there may be no way to erase the challenges of miscarriage during a pandemic, there are certain steps you can take to cope, move towards your values, and allow you to feel more empowered.

• Find alternative ways to connect: While the value of in person contact cannot be replaced, allow yourself to consider other options for connecting with friends and loved ones from virtual happy hours to utilizing apps that have virtual games such as trivia. To help with consistency, it can be helpful to set a regular time for these hangouts such as every Friday evening to ensure you get that much needed dose of meaningful time with your people.
• Give yourself permission to grieve: As mentioned, in the backdrop of so many significant losses and suffering this past year, it can feel difficult to allow ourselves to grieve the loss of our pregnancies. While we tend to do this automatically, there is no need to put your grief on a hierarchy to allow yourself to make space for it. Attempting to stop your natural grieving process is like fighting quicksand, you will just find yourself more and more stuck. Giving yourself permission to grieve is what allows you to move forward in the healing process.
• Connect to resources: There is a growing offering of resources for individuals who have experienced pregnancy loss including podcasts such as the “Life After Miscarriage” podcast as well as online support groups through Facebook or miscarriage associations. Additionally, it can be incredibly helpful to gain support through therapy.
• Find your anchor: Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed and adrift in a sea of intense emotions, feelings, and sensations, it can be helpful to identify what your anchor will be that will allow you to feel grounded and safe. Your anchor may be your loved ones, your values, your faith, and/or your passions. Your anchor could even be the most helpful coping skill you use whenever you are feeling overwhelmed such as journaling or meditation. Allow yourself to be creative and flexible in choosing your anchor knowing that the only qualification is that whatever you choose allows you to feel empowered and grounded.

While there is so much we don’t know about what the future holds for us, we do know that there is support, we know that we are not alone, and we know that we will get through this and find our rainbow—whatever that may look like for each and every one of us.