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"Kids today."
That's what the old folks would say gathered on street corners and coffee shops as they watched the world go by. They always seemed shocked by the latest violent video game, hip hop song lyric, or the younger generation's sense of entitlement or work ethic.
New technologies always seem to be the eye of the storm that threatens the good old days. Television, radio, and even books have been blamed for the planet's ruin. Most recently, it was the smart phone. Teens were texting each other from across the couch. To them, life was a bluish blur of thumbs tap dancing across a screen.
Well, those teens have grown into adults. Those adults are now having children of their own.
The tables are turning.
I recently posted a poll on Facebook. A Facebook poll is far from a scientific study and the sample size is tiny, but the results were surprising to me. I wonder if it is indicative of public opinion. The question was, "Who spends too much time on their phones?"
7 answered, "Kids are worse."
31 answered, "Parents are worse."
The real science is similarly concerning. Here's an excerpt from my upcoming book, HowToUseYourPhoneLess.com.
Recently, kindergarten kids in Boston were asked to imagine the best playground ever. They agreed that the best way to design a park was to have a locker to “lock up the parent’s cell phones so they’ll actually play with us.” Only 3 percent of parents surveyed said they “strictly” limit their tech use around their kids. That leaves 97 percent who are passive about what their kids see them doing. And what they're doing is spending 41 percent of their lives looking at a screen. Here’s what I know...
There’s nothing more powerful than your loving example.
Now, just because it’s good for your kids to see you consistently following the rules, doesn’t mean that you should have the same exact rules as them. You’re an adult. The rules are almost always different for adults. Children’s brains require different sets of phone usage boundaries than adult brains do. This is not a free pass for you to go crazy, it’s just a fact.
Listen, your kids are going to need your help managing their own technology usage. It’s just too much for them. Don’t give a six-year-old a smartphone and say, “Now, try to limit your screen time, Little Johnny.” That’s like handing a teenage boy the keys to a brand-new Porsche, putting him on an open stretch of road, and telling him to go slow.
Here’s what the top experts at the American Academy of Pediatrics recommend for your kids:
Less than eighteen months old.
Absolutely no screen time (with the exception of allowing some video chat time with Grandma.)
Between eighteen months and five years old.
Allow less than an hour of high-quality children’s programming per day.
Between five years old and seven years old.
Set and enforce consistent limits and do not allow them to have their own device yet. (Just remember, “Wait ‘till eight!”)
Between eight years old and the early teenage years.
Despite what your preteen, tween, and young teenage kids may think, you are still in charge. You can always change the WiFi password in your home. That password is a privilege, not a right. The same is true for their phone’s unlock password. During this phase, you should have veto power over every one of your kids’ phoning sessions. If they want to go on it, you’ll have to enter the unlock code. When you do, I recommend immediately setting a timer on their phone for the length of time they are allowed to use it. When the timer goes off, they must stop whatever they are doing and return the phone to you. (Hint from experience: Set your own timer as well. Otherwise, they’ll try to stretch it out.) As always, the key here is to set and adhere to consistent limits.
Beyond.
At this stage of the game, you simply aren’t in control of your kids’ behavior the same way that you were when they were younger. Their independence is growing and so is their rebelliousness. Despite this, you are still a heavy influence in your child’s life. Your best bet is to talk to them. Ask your kids if they know what phone manufacturers and software developers are trying to do to them. Ask them who the technology companies really want to help. Ask them what they want from life and whether or not their phones are helping them to get it. Ask lots of questions and listen to what they tell you. And of course, lead by example.
“‘Take care of yourself online OR ELSE’ is wildly ineffective for teens because teens are not entirely in control of what is posted about them. ‘Take care of one another,’ is better.” —Dr. Carrie James, research associate and lecturer at Harvard School of Education
One of the greatest gifts you can give anyone is your full attention. You don’t have to be perfect, just present. Make eye contact. Listen actively. Make them feel heard, valued, and understood. Our culture is quickly becoming one of fragmented, shortened, and shallow attention. Make sure your child has the regular experience of being seen. Deprive them of food for a while if you have to, but don’t deprive them of you.
