Life Is Messy with an ADD Partner

If you have an ADD partner, the messy, unplanned lifestyle can be overwhelming. One key to learning to cope with this lifestyle is to recognize that disorganization is not meant to make you mad. The messes and the unruly hours and erratic schedules can be directly translated into creativity. A creative person may be so lost in his or her imagination they don't even notice the messes.

When you feel tempted to scream "don't you see these huge messes?" you might remember that in fact your ADD partner may quite literally not be paying any attention to the messes they create. That's right, he or she may be so lost in thoughts, imagination or generating new ideas that the real world is like the paler reflection of their real world—their imagination.

There are many specific strategies to use to actually begin to solve the problem of the messes, but a big step toward harmony in your relationship is the simple realization that they are not doing it on purpose and many times they are not paying attention the messes that annoy you so much. Indeed, they probably don't even notice the messes that vex your day to day existence.

Coping with Erratic Schedules

For the ADD partner, the daily nine to five grind can be intolerable. An ADD adult often has a great need to "mix-it-up", to have a lifestyle that gives them freedom and control over his or her schedule. Many ADD adults like to work at odd hours, or have a need to be free when others are working. ADD adults can't stand it when every day is like the last day or this week is just like last week. They feel compelled to break free of the daily grind. This is related to the ADD need for constant stimulation. Just breaking up a schedule—say working late in the evening rather than in the morning—can provide some of the needed stimulation.

One of the major themes of my book The Gift of Adult ADD (Honos-Webb 2008) is that the "symptoms" of ADD should be translated into needs. This means that rather than saying the ADD adult has a disorder because they seek high levels of stimulation, we could do better by saying that the ADD adult has a high need for stimulation and should work toward meeting that need.
In this way, rather than blaming your ADD partner for their crazy lifestyle, you might see it as a step toward meeting his or her need for high levels of novelty. This trait is directly related to creativity. Creativity is the compulsion to bring something new into the world and is directly related to being bored with the status quo. You might notice the creativity your partner brings to the table in addition to or in place of complaining about the disruptions and erratic schedules. As an example begin to notice how your partner makes the world seem more alive, more interesting, draws your attention to things you didn't notice and makes you see the world in a whole new way.

Interestingly, the more you appreciate your partner for the gift, the more likely they will be to cooperate with your need for order, structure and organization. In addition to turning the scolding dynamic around by focusing on and appreciating the gift of creativity, you can try some of the basic tips below to help your partner get organized.

Quick Tips:

1) Don't try to get your partner to spend long periods of time cleaning up or organizing. Ask for 15 minutes a day.
2) Create a challenge where you and your partner throw out 5 things a day.
3) Offer to be your partner's organization buddy if something needs sustained attention. Go with him or her and help them organize.
4) Make a weekly trip to an office store or a specialty store in organizing. Think of it as a field trip, just for gaining ideas for how to organize. If each month you buy one new organizing tool, you will begin to see changes over time.

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