Complete the Forgiveness Journey With the Forgiveness Triangle

While the process of forgiving others has been established scientifically as effective (see, for example, the meta-analysis by Akhtar & Barlow, 2018), a broader picture of forgiveness has not consistently emerged in the published literature. In other words, questions such as these are rare: Once a person forgives and is relieved of the emotional burden of excessive anger, what effect does this have on the one who behaved badly? How easy or difficult is it for the two people (the one forgiving and the one forgiven) to get together in harmony if they had a friendship or partnership prior to the unfairness occurring? If both parties cooperate in the forgiving and the seeking of forgiveness, how often does this lead to reconciliation? What might be involved in a genuine reconciliation between the two people?

To begin answering these questions, I recommend that you become familiar with “The Forgiveness Triangle” (Enright, 2012), which involves (a) forgiving by the one offended when ready to do so, (b) seeking of forgiveness by the offending one, and (c) reconciliation.

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Insights Into Forgiving

• In the Uncovering Phase of forgiving (Enright, 2012), the person examines the effects of the injustice such as anger or sadness, possibly fatigue, and pessimism in general regarding relationships.
• In the Decision Phase of forgiving, you need to know that forgiving is a moral virtue of mercy toward the one who acted badly. This includes deliberately deciding to get rid of resentment toward the other and, eventually, when you are ready, to offer goodness of some kind toward the other. When you forgive, you do not excuse the wrongdoing, you may or may not reconcile, especially if the other remains abusive, and you do not abandon the quest for fairness.
• In the Work Phase of forgiveness, you try to see the one who hurt you in a larger context than that offense against you. You try to see the built-in worth of the other. You try to see your shared humanity, which helps you to soften your heart even a little toward that person and to bear the pain so that you do not toss that pain back to the offending one. Eventually, you may decide to deliberately offer kindness of some kind toward the person.
• In the Discovery Phase, you find new meaning and purpose in your life such as making a commitment to aid others in their suffering. The paradox of forgiving is that as you give the mercy and kindness toward the other, you are the one who heals.

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Insights Into Seeking Forgiveness

• In the Uncovering Phase of seeking forgiveness, try to be aware of your guilt and any complications that you have because of this (such as fatigue, not liking yourself, and conflicted relationships).
• In the Decision Phase of seeking forgiveness, you will need to know what it means to seek forgiveness, which is a sincere intention to make things right for the ones you have hurt, to soften your heart toward those offended, and to talk with humility for the others' good. This includes being aware of and avoiding false forms of seeking forgiveness such as insincerely apologizing to get what you want.
• In the Work Phase, try for a genuine apology so that the other sees your intention to be of help, be willing to wait for the other to forgive, and be aware of the other’s pain.
• In the Discovery Phase, strive to find meaning in what the other person and you have suffered and resolve to make things right for both of you, to the extent that the other is willing to accept your offer of an apology.

Insights into Reconciling

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Reconciling involves at least four aspects: remorse, repentance, and recompense by the one who acted unfairly and growing in trust.

• Remorse is inner sorrow for what you have done.
• Repentance is the verbal and behavioral expression of the remorse. It can include a sincere apology.
• Recompense is making up, to the extent possible, for what you have done. If you were verbally insensitive, for example, try for more gentleness in how you speak with the other person.
• Trust might have to emerge slowly with patience as the offended person sees the sincerity of the other.

Putting the Triangle Together

It is not easy to put the pieces of the triangle together, primarily because the forgiver and the one who did wrong are not necessarily on a similar phase of forgiveness at the same time. For example, the forgiver may be in the Work Phase, sees the humanity in the other, has compassion for this person, and offers forgiveness. In contrast, the one who behaved badly may be in the early part of the Uncovering Phase, denying wrongdoing. In this example, the one forgiving may be disappointed as the other might say, “Why are you forgiving me? I did nothing wrong.”

The reverse also could happen in which the one seeking forgiveness has completed the Work Phase and has humbly apologized. Yet, having received the apology, the one who was hurt, being in the early part of the Uncovering Phase, reacts with anger, not ready to see the sincerity in the other.

If you are the one seeking forgiveness, be ready to bear the pain if the other is not ready to forgive. If you are the one forgiving, be ready to bear the pain if the other is not ready to admit the wrong.

A key issue is this: Each of you together should try to diagnose where each is on the phase of either forgiving or seeking forgiveness. See any discrepancies between the two of you and talk this out, if both of you are ready to do so. This may assist each of you to help the other grow in either forgiving or seeking forgiveness. Once the apology is received, both then may turn to the issue of reconciliation.

If the Triangle Remains Incomplete

If you have done your best either to forgive or to seek forgiveness and the other rejects this, then the triangle remains incomplete, at least for now. If you have done your best in your aspect of forgiveness (either the forgiving or the seeking forgiveness part), then you can go in peace knowing that you have done your best. Please keep in mind that the other’s answer to you today may not be the final word as growth in forgiveness is always possible.