Verified by 
I’ll admit it: I love reality TV. I especially love the shows that purport to find people love.
My newest obsession—Married at First Sight—is one of several reality shows (along with Arranged, Married by Mom and Dad, etc.) that attempt to make the ancient tradition of arranging marriages new again.
If we consider popular TV programming to be a reflection of a culture’s current interests, it’s fair to say that Americans are increasingly intrigued by the idea of arranging marriages. Many young people may be exhausted by today’s dating scene and feeling nostalgia for a simpler way of finding mates.
It’s understandable that in a world where picking mates feels like picking names out of a hat, we’d long to relinquish control of our love lives to our loved ones. Unfortunately, there are numerous reasons why arranged marriages don’t (and likely can’t) work as a mode of mate selection in the U.S. Some of these reasons are cultural and need little explanation:
- A deep cultural emphasis on independence and individual happiness.
- The pre-eminence of romantic love as the reason for marriage.
- A lack of wider community support and understanding.
- A lack of historical precedent for arranged marriages.
These reasons alone present a pretty convincing case. But there’s another, more subtle reason why arranging marriages are unlikely to lead to happier couples here: Arranged marriages don’t do well creating a particular kind of closeness—the kind of closeness based on the principles of knowing and caring.
This may seem counterintuitive: Shouldn’t a relationship founded on total commitment from the outset be on the fast-track to closeness? Actually, no. Couples create closeness through mutual acts of knowing (understanding another person from their own perspective) and caring (investing emotionally in another person), but knowing needs to come first, while in arranged marriages, caring comes first.
The brand-new arranged spouses are emotionally invested in one another before they know each other. Unfortunately, putting caring before knowing hinders the kind of closeness most Americans expect from marriage.
Let’s dive into the specifics of why caring before knowing sabotages arranged marriages.
"I’m deeply committed to…whom?"
When we think of arranged marriages, we imagine two people deciding to deeply invest in one another without knowing much about one another. In essence, you’ve merged lives, become a legal unit, and gambled a large portion of your potential happiness on a stranger.
This type of investment without understanding is inherently risky. It’s not unlike buying a house before having it inspected or investing in a business you know little about. While the amount of trust the couple has in those who did the arranging may mitigate the risk, that risk will still inevitably provoke stress, anxiety, and fear. One consequence of this is that the new spouses will attempt to get to know each other at an unnaturally fast pace set not by genuine curiosity but by fear. And those two people will simply not get to know each other as well as they could if their underlying motivation is fear.
Caring before knowing is a recipe for early-stage conflict.
One thing we know about conflict in relationships is that the amount a couple butts heads remains surprisingly steady over the years. If a couple fights a lot early in their relationship, they are likely to continue fighting a lot throughout their marriage. Another downside of putting caring before knowing is that it creates early-stage conflict that can become the couple’s norm. As arranged spouses race to get to know each other, they’ll discover discrepancies between who they thought their spouse was and who their spouse is revealing themselves to be. In other words, it feels threatening to learn that your partner isn’t exactly who you thought they were. And people who feel threatened start fights.
Caring before knowing feels inauthentic.
Look no further than Married at First Sight: This season’s most confounding couple, David and Ashley, never got off the ground, romantically speaking. Ashley appeared cold and withdrawn from David, even as he professed passionate devotion to her. It seemed like a weird combination, but not when looked at from a caring-before-knowing perspective. My theory is that Ashley withdrew from David because she found his over-the-top dedication to be phony. She knew that he knew nothing about her. So why was he so passionately committed to keeping her in his life? Why did he value her so much when he didn't know her? As she said on the show, “I think he was in love with the idea of being married, rather than with me.”
Modern American couples expect that their spouse is in love with them, not with the idea of marriage. In fact, marrying because you want to be married—not because you want to be married to that specific person—comes off as an insult to your spouse. That’s a key notion lost in the shuffle when marriages are arranged.
Could arranged marriages ever work in the U.S.?
A lot would have to change. Perhaps if the practice became more common, communities would become more supportive and our collective ideas of what one should expect from a marriage would change. But keeping in mind the importance of developing closeness, I could only see it working if couples had ample time to get to know one another before committing—if they could know before they have to care.
But frankly, how different is that from dating?
Kira Asatryan is a certified relationship coach and author of Stop Being Lonely: Three Simple Steps to Developing Close Friendships and Deep Relationships.
For more relationship tips, visit kiraasatryan.com and follow her on Twitter @KiraAsatryan.
