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Like many of us during the holidays, I receive a lot of cards. Most are pretty generic. “Seasons Greetings!”, “Happy Hanukkah!”, or “Merry Christmas!”, they exclaim, with a signature hastily penned beneath. Others are more personal, containing a few lines just for me. And then, of course, there are the annual update cards. You know the ones: long-form letters conveying the highlights of the writer’s year, often accompanied by photos.
This year, however, the writers of these letters expressed a very different mood than in past seasons. Their words were gloomier, often conveying a list of pandemic-related regrets—job losses, financial difficulties, canceled trips, and COVID scares. And, who could blame them! There’s no denying that people have suffered mightily in 2020, undoubtedly the worst year in most people’s memories.
Nonetheless, one of these letters stood out. It was from a married couple I’ve known for almost two decades. Although most of the letter conveyed lost opportunities and painful experiences, the last sentence abruptly shifted in tone. “Despite the hardships,” it read, “we are thankful for each other, we are thankful for long evenings of binge-watching tv, we are thankful for continued health, and most of all we are thankful for our friends, even though we haven't seen you in person in a long time."
Curious about this sudden shift so late in the letter, I called my friends to inquire. They both chuckled at my question. “We actually added that sentence at the last minute,” they confessed, as if I had caught them in some nefarious act. “When we finished the original letter, we read it and felt depressed. We looked at each other and said, ‘Isn't there anything good in our lives? Isn't there anything we're thankful for?’ That's when we realize that, despite the huge troubles of the previous year, we did have things in our lives that we were grateful for that we had kind of forgotten about.”
My friends’ experience exemplifies a powerful human tendency, one that may be built into our genome: our inclination toward focusing on the negative and overlooking the positive, particularly during times of stress. Writing in the journal Review of General Psychology, psychologist Roy Baumeister and his colleagues documented this phenomenon in numerous areas of life, including our financial decisions, friendships, and even our most intimate relationships.
When making financial choices, for instance, studies show that people weigh the potential for losses more heavily than gains. Similarly, when forming first impressions of people, negative observations ultimately contribute more to our conclusions than positive ones. John Gottman, the celebrated couples therapist, also noted that negative interactions are more strongly related to satisfaction in married couples than positive interactions. He even proposed that couples should maintain a ratio of at least five positive interactions for every one negative interaction for the relationships to last. In short, we simply tend to notice the negative more than the positive, and it often holds more sway over our emotions.
Nobody’s suggesting that we should ignore the negative. It’s important to notice the pain in our world and in our own lives so we can take steps to fix it. But focusing exclusively on that pain can paradoxically leave us depleted and less able to act. So our tendency to focus on the negative can often backfire. Is there any antidote to this tendency to focus exclusively on the pain, often overlooking the positives? The research says yes. And it's exactly the strategy my friends identified: gratitude.
Gratitude does a few things that are very special. First, by calling our attention to the positives, gratitude actually helps rewire our brain to notice them. One study found activation of distinct areas of the brain when participants were expressing gratitude. Another found that there were certain structural differences in the medial prefrontal cortex between people who naturally tended to feel grateful and those who didn’t. Perhaps that’s why people who keep a gratitude journal, regularly jotting down what they’re thankful for, are happier and more optimistic than those who don’t.
In addition, research suggests that grateful people remember the past more positively than less grateful people. They’re more likely to endorse statements like “there is much more good than bad to recall in my past” and less likely to endorse statements like “I often think about what I should have done differently in my life.”
Second, gratitude may make us kinder. Cicero, the ancient Roman scholar and politician, once said “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.” In other words, when we feel and express gratitude, this can nurture other virtues within us, increasing our tendency to be compassionate, generous, patient, and forgiving. That’s because gratitude draws our perspective away from our normal negative self-focus, allowing us to appreciate the good in the world and especially in other people. Recognizing kindness in others can, in turn, inspire us to engage in kind behaviors ourselves.
Third, gratitude connects people. For many people, gratitude can be awakened by keeping a gratitude journal, a practice that, as already mentioned, has been shown to increase personal well-being. But, it often doesn't stop there. Inspired by what they’ve written, people frequently reach out and express that gratitude directly. This creates interpersonal connections and networks of social support. In fact, research shows that gratitude is strongly associated with such social support. And particularly now, as the COVID crisis escalates and many of us continue to feel isolated from others, social support—even through Zoom, Facetime, or an old-fashioned phone call—may be more important than ever.
As we stand on the precipice of 2021, many of us are grateful that the disaster that was 2020 will soon be behind us. But we should also remember to remind ourselves of the blessings that are present in our lives, even if they seem small compared to the losses and setbacks. Such gratitude won't magically undo the suffering we've experienced or the pain of those around us. But it may remind us that there are meaningful things to live for as we enter a new, and hopefully better, year.
