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Key points
- Grief can be lifelong and different for each person.
- Its emotions are widely variable, with a more circular than linear process.
- The process fluctuates based on a person's experience of loss.
Though universal, grief is extremely individual. It’s an experience that crosses all lines, without exception, and will, at some point, take aim at anyone who lives long enough. The experience of grief is different for everyone and should never be measured by anyone other than the person going through it. We need to stop judging grief.
The Real Path of Grief
Decades ago, grief was thought to progress through very similar stages in a linear fashion, regardless of the circumstances leading up to it. We now know that grief is anything but linear—and that each person will endure it in ways unique to their own situation and character.
Contemporary grief counselors recognize that grieving people can go through a range of emotions at any time, in any place. Denial is no longer considered the first stage, followed closely by anger and others, eventually leading to acceptance. Though all of these grief tasks will be experienced at some point during the process, their order is more serpentine than straight, and some can even be experienced jointly.
Some individuals will feel angry, sad, and in denial, all at the same time. Depending on the magnitude of the loss, there will be ups, downs, and wild swings that seem (and feel) unpredictable. One of the most challenging aspects of grief lies in its irregularity. If grieving individuals could follow a failsafe roadmap to use when navigating grief, there would be no need for grief counseling, grief self-help books, or other grieving aids. At its best, grief is all-encompassing, immense, and uncertain.
Don't Judge a Path That's Different from Your Own
Recognizing the different tasks of grief that have been thoroughly researched is vital to walking through it, but for true healing to take place, we have to stop judging the path others take through the forest of loss. Where one person may have been mired in depression and sadness for months, another may feel angry and bitter. Some may sink themselves into daily tasks; others may avoid doing anything. Some will seem joyful, others despondent. There is no correct response to grief.
Grief emotions run the gamut. Shock numbs people to the immediate betrayal of losing someone who was integral to their existence, often allowing them to continue to breathe, get up every day, and somehow function. Anger allows painful emotions an outlet without breaking the person holding them. Melancholy gives survivors a chance to sit in their loss, to come to terms with the hole it has left in their lives.
Relief is also a widely experienced, but little-discussed, grief emotion. It is common for grieving individuals to feel relief that suffering is over, or that a challenging relationship has ended. The dissonance of missing someone’s presence while being relieved by their absence is a startling concept to come to terms with.
Even denial can serve as a self-protective factor, enabling individuals to stumble through what would otherwise be an excruciatingly impossible journey. Forcing a discussion on how grief is playing out before someone feels ready to do so can have the same harmful impact as forcing a discussion on the impact of trauma. It can even prolong grief and cause disruptions in healing.
Many people will spend the remainder of their lives harboring secret internal grief battles, fighting the same aftereffects day in and day out—but just because that looks different, or “less healthy” than someone else’s pattern, does not mean they aren’t doing their best to cope with grief.
If you find yourself judging what someone’s grief looks like, it’s time to take a step back and explore where that comes from. Are you using your own experience to measure how their reactions should appear? Are you stuck in your own worldview and struggling to see their perspective? Here are some helpful ways to assist others to navigate grief in their own, unique way:
- Recognize that just like physical appearances are organically varied, so is grief. Grief fluctuates based on someone’s loss experience, their life situation, and their mental-emotional make-up. There is no predetermined, infallible method of coping successfully with grief.
- Change your perspective of grief from a one-and-done experience to a lifelong journey. Grief will look different as it progresses, but it won’t disappear.
- Build empathy. Give others the grace to experience their lives on their own terms, not based on your expectations. You may handle a challenging situation differently, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way to handle it. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't step in and offer to find help if someone seems unable to manage the process on their own. It's possible to help others safely cope with loss without forcing your own expectations onto them.
- Be present without an agenda. Be available, in whatever form you feel comfortable with—and in a way that will meet their needs, not your own. If you’re trying to support someone’s grief journey, let them decide which path to embark on; you just need to be willing to walk beside them.
- Sacrifice your expectations without sacrificing their well-being. You can help others navigate grief in healthy ways without requiring them to meet your expectations in doing so. If you notice someone sinking further into depression, open up a discussion with them: ask for their advice on how to help, offer to be present, but also be understanding if they don’t have the answers. Many grieving individuals have no idea what will make the process easier, but having a shoulder to lean on will help.
- Don’t encourage them to “get over it.” Losing a loved one is not something you “get over.” It is a lifelong adjustment that will take different forms at different times.
- Recognize that sometimes there is nothing you can say or do to make it better. Even with a great support system and access to all the help in the world, there will be moments in grief healing when individuals have no option but to go through it. There will be nothing anyone can say or do to make those moments disappear; but sometimes, just knowing another person is there can make the difference.
Respect the Process
The grieving process must be respected and cherished. It can’t be hurried. Grieving is a marathon. Losing someone essential to your life means you will eventually learn to rebuild that life around the gaping chasm that’s left, but you will never forget the hole they left.
