How Regret Teaches Us

When Louise's marriage broke down and ended in divorce, she regretted getting married and having lost so many precious years to an unhappy, dysfunctional relationship.

Regret is a common human emotion that's rooted in feelings of disappointment, remorse, frustration, guilt, sadness, and self-blame. Everyone experiences regret at one time or another, it's inevitable. But while it's usually thought of as a negative emotion, is regret always a bad thing?

What do we regret?

Common regrets include decisions regarding relationships and romance, career, and education that have adverse outcomes. In terms of actions, this might be having an extramarital affair or making poor career choices. Regret is a complex emotion—it can be felt as a result of a course of action but it can also be the result of inaction. A person can feel regret because of mistakes and missed opportunities in life; that they didn't save money for their retirement, that they didn't travel more, pursue a passion, or take more chances in life. Our regrets are the things we "woulda, coulda, shoulda" done.

For some people, the sense of regret can be a mild, nagging feeling, but for others, their regrets can be all-consuming and debilitating. Others might idealize forgone alternatives and overestimate their appeal, to the detriment of their realities. When regrets are deep-seated and with significant consequences, enduring regrets can haunt people for the rest of their lives. Constantly ruminating on regrets can lead to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, and mental health conditions like depression and anxiety.

Is regret always a negative emotion?

Studies show that regret is an emotion learned from an early age, usually by around age six, and that it's part of a developmental stage that's fundamental to acquiring decision-making skills.

Regret is typically viewed as a negative emotion, but it's not invariably negative. There can be an upside to regret. In Louise's case, she regretted her failed marriage but she didn't regret her two children that were a result of the union. She also realized that during these years she had acquired inner strength and wisdom and developed a sense of independence.

We don't have to simply live with our regrets, but can instead embrace them and learn from them. Regret can be harnessed to help us learn from our mistakes. It can be a useful emotion that helps us to lead well-lived lives. Sometimes we can even avoid possible regrets by anticipating them ahead of time. When faced with an important decision, we can think: "If I do this (or don't do this) will I regret it?" "How will I feel in six months or five years if this happens (or doesn't)?" "In doing this (or not), am I living up to my true self?"

But how do we live with our regrets if we already have them? We can try to reflect on these regrets, not dwell on them, instead seeing them as opportunities for change, growth, and renewal. Learning from our regrets can help us to avoid future missteps. The important thing is to not be held back by our regrets, but to move forward from them.