How to Teach a Child That Actions Have Consequences

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Mistakes are an inescapable part of life. This is especially true during childhood—where kids make most use of trial and error to learn the ways of life. Almost every parent can attest to the frequency of their children’s mishaps, whether it’s a broken toy or a playground scrape. These mistakes, both big and small, are par for the course in a child’s development.

Given this reality, many parents find themselves spending countless hours explaining to their children what to do, what not to do, and how to live functional, responsible lives. Despite these efforts, such guidance can often be overwhelming for parents and, at times, fruitless—as children are naturally inclined to learn through their own experiences.

The key to effective parenting lies in embracing this natural learning process by reinforcing the connection between actions and their consequences. Instead of merely telling children what to do, allowing them to experience the outcomes of their actions firsthand can be a more impactful and lasting lesson.

The Action-Consequence Link

According to the 2019 handbook of Adlerian Counseling and Psychotherapy, mistakes can profoundly influence our behavior because they often lead to undesirable outcomes. You’ve probably heard sayings like “experience is our best teacher” or “learning through the school of hard knocks.” These phrases capture the essence of how personal experiences shape our understanding and approach to life. While learning from experience is invaluable, it does come with some downsides.

For instance, if a child makes a serious mistake, it could lead to real harm. In other cases, a child might become overly fearful of potential consequences, which can hold them back in other areas of their development. Plus, some consequences don’t always show up right away, like cavities or other health-related consequences. These factors can make it hard for children to confidently connect their actions with outcomes—at least without help.

Given these challenges, one of the best ways for parents to help their children learn from mistakes is to make the link between actions and consequences concretely clear. However, it’s important to recognize that there are two types of consequences: natural and logical. And according to a 2018 study, emphasizing these two consequences appropriately is one of the most successful ways to mitigate disruptive behavior.

1. Natural Consequences

Natural consequences happen without any intervention from others; they are the immediate outcome of a child’s mistake or bad behavior. For example:

• If a child forgets to put a toy away when the family dog is known to chew them, the natural consequence is that the dog will destroy the toy.
• If a child leaves dirty clothes on the floor instead of in the hamper, the natural consequence is that the clothes won’t be cleaned.

These outcomes occur naturally, making the lesson clear and direct; it’s a simple cause-and-effect scenario that helps kids see the immediate impact of their actions. Natural consequences directly influence how we learn about and cope with the rules of life, but they need to be used intelligently for them to have a positive influence. In this way, they should be sought first, but replaced by a logical consequence if not appropriate.

2. Logical Consequences

Logical consequences, on the other hand, require a bit of intervention, but they still follow logically from the child’s behavior. For instance:

• If a child leaves their toys all over the living room, you might pick them up and put them away in a place they can’t access for a while. The logical consequence is that the child has to go without their toys for a period.
• If a child speaks rudely to a sibling, a logical consequence might be needing to spend some time apart or doing something kind for the sibling to make amends.

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Some natural consequences are not suited for a child to experience, especially if safety- or injury-related. In these cases, logical consequences will be much more impactful and safe, especially if the natural consequences are explained, too.

Logical consequences help children understand that their actions have predictable outcomes, even if someone else needs to step in to make the lesson clear. However, note that logical consequences that are made in anger become punishments, not learning experiences—friendliness and encouragement should always prevail.

Reinforcing the Action-Consequence Link

According to a 2019 study, parents need to be both empathetic and careful when making the link between actions and consequences clear:

1. Let the child know they are responsible for their choices. This is especially important for natural consequences, which can be abstract for young children. For instance, “If you don’t pick up your toys, the dog might chew them up.” And if the natural consequence occurs, gently remind your child of the connection: “Remember, we talked about how leaving your toys out might lead to this.”
2. Discuss logical consequences before applying them. Talk with your child about what will happen if they continue a certain behavior. For example, “If you don’t finish your homework, you’ll need to finish it during your screen time.”
3. Ensure logical consequences are related to the behavior. These consequences must logically follow the behavior. For instance, if a child doesn’t pick up their toys, they don’t get to play with them for a while. Making this connection clear is crucial for them to understand that they have a choice in their actions and their subsequent outcomes.
4. Offer them choices. This gives children agency over situations while also instilling responsibility for their behavior. For instance, if their homework isn’t done, you could ask them what they think an appropriate consequence would be or offer them a choice, such as, “You can either finish your homework and then have screen time, or you can give up your screen time for today.” However, the choice is ultimately up to you in this process.

Through natural and logical consequences, children learn valuable life lessons before they are forced to learn the hard way. The key is to make sure the link is crystal clear and that the consequences are enforced consistently. This way, kids can effectively learn the connection between what they do and what happens next—which is integral to helping them learn and grow from their mistakes in a safe and supportive environment.

A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.