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Key points
- Societal beliefs and cultural norms shape our perceptions of sex, gender, and relationships.
- We can normalize fantasies and desires while fostering self-compassion and acceptance.
- Identifying our safe spaces and safe people is paramount to further exploring our sexual expression.
As a Certified Sex Therapist, I often encounter clients, and just people in daily life, grappling with a profound dilemma: They are torn between their innate desire to explore their sexuality and the rigid confines of what culture dictates sex “should be.” In an era when many are courageously challenging traditional views of sexuality—moving beyond heteronormative, monogamy-centric, cisgendered, and conventional sexual norms—it becomes crucial to address this conflict.
Understanding Cultural Norms
First, it's essential to recognize the cultural norms that influence our understanding of sexuality. These norms often stem from long-standing societal beliefs and practices that dictate how we perceive sex, gender, and relationships.
However, these norms do not necessarily reflect individual desires or identities. The key is to identify these ingrained beliefs and understand how they impact our perception of sexuality.
One way to explore the beliefs that could be playing a role in one’s current conceptualization of their sexuality is by looking at the various influences in one’s life. It’s good to examine the values or messages about sex and sexuality you received growing up and those you currently hold.
To do this, you could make a list of the various external influences in your life (family, culture, media, peers, religion, work, school, etc.) and write down what messages you got from those institutions growing up and what messages you’re getting from those institutions today. Look at the values and see how they’ve changed and ask yourself, “Do I still want to uphold these values? If I’d like them to change, what would I want them to be, and what’s one step I can take toward getting there?”
An example that I see in therapy that involves a lot of personal exploration is when I have a client couple for whom one partner is interested in consensual nonmonogamy (CNM), and the other partner feels devastated that they are “not enough” to be satisfactory in the relationship. As a result, we will often take time to explore where the value of monogamy came from for both people. Many folks passively choose monogamy because that’s what we were taught growing up is the “right way” to be in relationships from culture, family, religion, peers, etc. However, when people take time to explore if monogamy is actually something that aligns with their personal values, there can be a shift that occurs to being more open to CNM relationships. Some people will acknowledge that we cannot expect our partner to fulfill all of our emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc. needs, and, therefore, CNM works for them. Others will explore their personal values and still find that they align with monogamy. However, without actually engaging in this exploration exercise, people can miss out on exploring a whole other side of their sexuality that could otherwise be very fulfilling for them.
By understanding the influence that culture and upbringing have on our personal values about sex and sexuality, we can start to shift our values to be more in alignment with our authentic selves. It also opens the pathway to exploring our own sexual desires.
Exploring Personal Desires
The journey to sexual self-discovery is deeply personal. It requires introspection and an openness to explore beyond the familiar. This exploration is not just about challenging norms but also about understanding and accepting your unique sexual identity. Whether it's acknowledging a nonbinary gender identity, embracing nonmonogamous relationships, or exploring sexual practices that deviate from the “vanilla” script, each step is a move toward authenticity.
An example of this that I see is heterosexual-identifying people experiencing shame around having interest in same-sex porn and feeling they have to stop this interest somehow. However, most people are sexually fluid, even if to a small degree. Trying to fight against sexual interests and fantasies typically only increases distress. It’s much like telling someone not to think about a pink elephant: The first thing that pops into their mind is a pink elephant.
Instead, if a person can engage in some self-compassion and self-acceptance that they have some level of same-sex attraction, that it does not diminish from their current relationship and doesn’t have to define their sexual orientation, they can experience more peace and have a really healthy fantasy life. Normalizing that many people have some level of same-sex attraction and will entertain those thoughts simply in fantasy is a healthy way to engage in one’s own sexuality. Fantasies are a great safe place for people to play out more “nonvanilla” scenarios in their mind that would otherwise not work in their lives (whether it’s because they are in a monogamous relationship or because they would get in legal trouble if they actually did it [think public sex] or because it’s simply sexier in their head than in reality).
Now that you’ve started to explore what values you want to embody, how do you desire to show up more authentically? Do you have a fantasy you want to bring to reality? Would you like to start exploring more nontraditional sex or relationship styles? Do you want to more openly express your sexual identity? Getting a sense of how you want to start expressing your desires and putting that into practice (starting small and working your way up) can help you to start living more authentically.
Creating a Safe Space for Expression
Creating a safe and nonjudgmental space, both internally and in relationships, is vital for this exploration. This space allows for open and honest communication about desires, fantasies, and boundaries. In a relationship, it encourages partners to express their needs and preferences without fear of judgment or rejection.
As humans, we have the right to privacy (which is different from secrecy). So as you’re starting to examine what aspects of your sexual self you want to express, consider what aspects you’d like to keep private compared to those you’d like to share with others.
We don’t always have to share all of our thoughts, desires, and fantasies with others in our lives. Doing so with safe people can help us to feel more seen and accepted, but that’s not something everyone has the privilege of doing.
Identifying your safe spaces and safe people is paramount to further exploring your sexual expression. Consider support groups or online communities if your current support network does not feel like a safe space.
Seeking Support and Education
It's often helpful to seek guidance from professionals, like sex therapists, who can provide a supportive environment for exploring sexuality. Additionally, educating oneself about different aspects of sexuality can demystify many misconceptions and fears. Finding acceptance of your own interests and desires is an important part of stripping some of the shame or feelings of taboo around them.
If you have a curiosity or interest about a certain aspect of your sexuality, research it! There’s so much information out there (certainly not all of it is accurate, so be mindful of your sources) and so many communities of people with similar interests/desires that can help you be more informed about the aspects of yourself you’re curious about. Books, podcasts, blogs, local meet-ups, etc. can all be helpful resources. And, again, a sex therapist can be helpful person for helping you find verifiable resources.
Conclusion
Recognizing that sexuality is diverse and multifaceted is key. There is no “one-size-fits-all” approach to sexual expression. What matters most is finding what resonates with you, regardless of how it aligns with societal expectations. I know this is easier said than done—but if you can find support and community around your identity or interests, you’ll likely feel a greater sense of self-acceptance and feel more open to exploring these parts of yourself.
Breaking free from cultural taboos around sexuality is a journey of self-acceptance and exploration. It involves understanding the influence of cultural norms, creating safe spaces for expression, and embracing one's true sexual self. As more people acknowledge and respect the diversity in sexual expression, we move toward a world where every individual can explore and express their sexuality without fear or stigma.
