What the Data Tell Us About "Normal" Sex Lives

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Researchers can tell us what percentage of people engage in various sex acts and how often. Sometimes they look at a representative sample of the entire country; sometimes they look at a subpopulation (e.g., gay men aged 20-30). We can all also do our own research, for example by asking a few friends if they have ever tried something or how often they have done it. But does this data even matter?

Am I Normal?

The answer is that it depends, based on your answer to a second question: What are you doing with those numbers? While I think that it can be really interesting to find out who is doing what, too often when people look at numbers like this, it is to answer a different question: Am I normal?

As I discussed in my last post, sexual preferences are just that — preferences. What you do, and how often you want to do it, is a matter of opinion, not fact, and so it can’t really be right or wrong. But even if you disagree with that notion, then how do we decide which numbers to use? Should we track what people say they do, or what they actually do? (If you ask people directly, there can be a huge difference.) Anonymous surveys probably get much closer to the truth of what people are actually doing, but even then we need to consider who our comparison group is.

Even if I surveyed all the married, white guys who are my age and live in my town, I would still get a wide range of answers. So if I want to figure out if I am sexually "normal," and I manage to survey that specific comparison group, then how do I compare myself to that data? How far from the average can I stray before it’s a problem? What’s the range of acceptability? It basically boils down to this: How statistically deviant is my sexual deviance?

It’s easy to say that something is or isn’t normal, but a lot of assumptions go into that judgment call. When you think about that, it makes those proclamations of normal seem pretty empty. Regardless, it also raises another question: Why am I letting group averages decide whether my preferences are OK?

Are You Normal?

Sometimes when people latch on to a statistic about what others are doing sexually, it’s to bolster their position in a negotiation with their romantic partner: “See, look how many people are doing that thing I want to do! We should do it, too!” Or: “Look how few people are doing what you want to do! We shouldn’t do it, either!” Whether you use statistics to make a case for or against doing something, or for doing it more or less often, it’s still an empty argument. If adults in your town have sex 1.8 times per week, does that mean that you need to stop eight-tenths of the way through the second time?

Just as data isn’t helpful in deciding what you should like, they aren’t helpful in deciding (or enforcing) what your partner should like.

Maybe Not Just What, But Why

A much more interesting and useful question is why people do what they do (and don’t do what they don’t do). Whether you do or don’t want to do something, why is that? If you want to do it, what about it is enjoyable? If you don’t want to do something, what about it turns you off? Spending some time really thinking about this will enable you to have a better conversation with your partner about what you want your shared repertoire to look like. Spending some time really listening to why your partner is or isn’t into certain things will also foster a better conversation. Unless you are planning to include others in your sexual activities, it doesn’t matter what anyone else likes.

We all have the right to want what we want, and we don’t need others to validate that those desires are common or acceptable (i.e., normal). If you find you're wanting to justify yourself by saying that others feel the same way, try to stop. Remind yourself that you don’t need others’ explicit or implicit permission. Stand on your own two feet. This can be hard to do, and it can feel easier to hide our true preferences behind statistics, especially if dropping a data bomb ends the conversation. The much more intimate disclosure of being straight-up about your preferences will enable you to have a better discussion with your partner about what you two actually do (which may be different from what you want), since every “expert witness” or statistic you bring in to justify your position can be undone by other experts and stats. Besides, do you really want outsiders deciding what your sex life should look like? Do you only watch movies with the highest box office revenues?

The flip side of being clear with your partner about your sexual desires is being curious about theirs. Both of these can be really challenging — being fully honest, regardless of their response, as well as managing our response to our partner’s desires, regardless of what is revealed. This combination of honesty and tolerance is a crucial relationship skill. The potential vulnerability of sexual disclosure can test our intimacy skills, but your relationship will be better off, sexually and otherwise, if you can both manage this well.

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Just as we may be curious what all the buzz is about when a new restaurant seems really popular, I think it can be good to be open to what others are into. I am all in favor of getting ideas from others, but just as you probably wouldn’t check out a popular new Thai restaurant if you just don’t like Thai food, you shouldn’t feel compelled to do anything sexual just because others are.

Stats Can Be Interesting, and Sometimes Useful

Personally, I think it can be really interesting to see statistics about what people are up to sexually and how those trends change over time. It can be useful to know when planning sex-ed curricula, public policy, and maybe even conversations with your kids.

And there can be some benefits to seeing some this data. You may be surprised that your interests are more common than you thought. Even if your desires are fairly rare, there is a huge range of sexual interests endorsed by at least some people, so you are probably still in good company. There are so many negative messages about sexuality in our culture that it may be helpful to counter the shame some feel about their desires. Shame rarely helps people understand themselves better or have a more productive conversation with their partner. I’m not saying you should act on your every desire, but you will probably make some better choices if you can think it through and discuss it more fully.

To read a well-constructed survey about what people are up to sexually in the U.S., see "Sexual diversity in the United States: Results from a nationally representative probability sample of adult women and men." You can hear an entertaining and informative interview with one of the authors, Brian Dodge, Ph.D., on the always entertaining and informative Science of Sex podcast.

Accurate information tends to make most things better. Your sex life is no different.